Equilibrium
by Slaughter Daughter
Summary: AU. Holtz escaped with baby Connor to Utah, but what happens when fifteen years later Angel finds Connor/Steven? And what will Angel do when Connor finally tells him what really happened to him behind closed doors? Sorry I suck at summaries.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Don't own it. End of disclaim. e_e**

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**A/N: New fanfic yay! I just couldn't keep away from writing about Connor for to long. So, this is obviously AU. I have a general idea of where I want to take this story, but if you have a suggestion then feel welcome to share it with me ^-^**

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"Steven!" Came a yell from downstairs. Steven jerked out of his bed. For someone who was so graceful during battle, he was very awkward, and accident prone when he wasn't.

"Steven!" He heard again. He picked himself off the floor, not wanting to make his father angry. But then again that's all he ever seemed to do, was make him angry. He wasn't his real father, Steven knew that. He was told ever since he was a child what his real parents were. They were vampires. Monsters father said. His birth mother died, staking herself to be rid of him, and his father Angelus never even wanted him, would have killed him if Daniel Holtz wouldn't have come along.

His father hated vampires, with a rage that Steven didn't fully comprehend. He knew they didn't have souls, but he never actually hated them. It was because they didn't have souls that he couldn't hate them. If a person doesn't have a soul then they can't feel guilty about what they have done. In Steven's mind people who _do_ have souls and do the horrible things that are in this world, are far worse than the ones without souls.

"Steven, don't make me call you again!"

Steven sighed. He never understood why his father treated him the way he did. He said it was to train him, to prepare him for what's to come… But that's all he ever said, and Steven never knew what he meant by 'what's to come'. He had a feeling that his father just hated him, and that was a terrible feeling…

He hurried towards the door, making his way down the stairs, stopping just short of the last one seeing his father standing in front of the stairwell. He stood stark still, and asked;

"Yes father?"

"What took you so long?" Daniel demanded, his face wore a look of disdain as he gazed upon the boy in front of him. Steven towered over him even without the extra foot he got from the step. The fifteen year old, nearly reaching five foot eleven, had a thin frame, no matter how much he would eat he could never seem to put on any weight. His long unruly dark brown hair covered his face as he stared down.

"Sorry father, I was reading."

"You lie!" Daniel said harshly. "Boy, look me in the eye when you speak to me!"

Steven raised his head, his blue eyes timid as he said; "No father, I'm not lying."Truth be told, he was lying. He was listening to music with his head phones on, from his secret stash underneath his bed. Father hated music, he especially hated any kind of rock. And Steven loved the older rock music, grunge even though not many people listened to it now.

Suddenly with no warning, Daniel struck Steven hard on the cheek. Steven's eyes went wide, and he swallowed hard.

"Do _not_ lie to me, Steven." He said in a deadly whisper. Then his demeanor calming he said; "And don't forget, we have training tomorrow."

"Sorry father. I-I won't forget."

"Make sure that you don't. It wouldn't be _wise_." Daniel said stalking off into the other room.

Releasing a breath he didn't know he was holding, Steven practically ran up to his room, closing, and locking the door behind him. He wanted to get away from Daniel before he got angry again. He was lucky today… It wasn't nearly as bad as it could've been. When Daniel was at his worst, it took Steven almost a week or more to get fully healed, that was with his special abilities he inherited from his parents. He couldn't imagine how long it would take a normal human being to heal from the lashings he received, nearly everyday at the hands of the man he knew to be 'father'.

He walked over to the mirror hanging from the closed bathroom door, he gazed, frowning at the fading red mark on his left cheek. He was becoming so tired of everything father did. He was told he deserved everything he got, and he didn't used to, but he was starting to believe the lies that were being fed to him. A single tear slid down Steven's face, but he quickly wiped it away. He needed to get out of that place.

He crept quietly towards the window, slipping on his vintage vans on the way. Once there he gently slid the window open, breathing in the night air. He swung his legs off the ledge, then braced himself as he jumped, landing with a soft thud on his feet. He looked around making sure no one had heard, or seen him. It appeared no one had. Taking feather light steps he made his way out of the yard. Once out on the road, he began to run.

He needed to go to a place where he could forget. Forget what always happened to him back there. Forget about the pain that lurked behind closed doors. Forget that he was 'special' as father put it. He was really starting to hate that word…

He ran, and ran so fast that the human eye couldn't even see. Finally where he wanted to be at, the lake he had been sneaking off to since he was ten. Not even fazed by his two mile run, he laid beneath his favorite old oak tree gazing intently at the full moon.

The full moon… He felt bad for any poor soul that was transformed into a beast on this night. He killed a werewolf once. He really didn't want to. They couldn't help the way they were when the full moon is high in the sky. They were people every other day, and they didn't deserve to die because on that night they couldn't control what they were doing. Father kept pushing him to do it, said that the beast wasn't human, said it was an impure mindless server of evil.

But Steven saw the werewolf for what it really was; a person. A person with hopes, and thoughts, a person who could love, and that was more than he could say about father. But regardless of what he felt inside, he killed him. He didn't really know the man who was once the werewolf, very well. But he was always nice to Steven, he had owned the convenient store up the road from his house. He liked that store, they would sell cigarettes to minors, they still did even after Robert Irving's death.

He didn't know who the creature was until after he shoved the silver stake through its unfortunate heart, and he transformed back into man. He wished he could take it back, that he would've refused to kill the being, and would've just taken whatever punishment father could give him. But he didn't. And he felt guilt, and shame about it all the time…

Shifting into a sitting position, he looked up at the tree branches, and wondered if the lighter, and pack of cigarettes he had gotten a week ago was still stashed there. He rarely got to leave the house with permission, and being that he was home schooled he didn't have much reason to. So one day when father asked him to get groceries he got himself the cigarettes as well, with his own money of course, father would have known if he was short on change.

Deciding he wanted to find out, he stood. Looking the big oak up and down, he gripped the lowest branch and pulled himself up. Climbing several more branches until he found where he had carved into the tree a symbol of an angel. Turning so his back was leaning against the base of the old oak he stretched his legs out on the big branch he was sitting on. And looking above his head, there it was, caught between two branches, and hidden behind leafs was the small pack.

Steven gave a smile at this. Grabbing it from the tree limb, he took one, along with the lighter stowed inside, lighting his smoke, he sighed, content in the moment as he took a long drag. He felt almost safe here. Especially when he was perched in this tree. He remembered climbing all the way to the top once. He fell off. Broke his arm in two places. Father wasn't pleased. Steven grimaced at the memory. The pain of the broken arm felt like nothing compared to the gashes and bruises he received from father.

Closing his eyes he inhaled deeply the smoke… He knew it wasn't healthy for him, but maybe that's why he did it. The thought that maybe he was a step closer to death. But it was always short lived. How long would it even take the nicotine to get to him? He never got sick. Could it even kill him? Just another thing he got from being born of two vampires he supposed.

"Aren't you a little young to be smoking?" Said an unknown voice from underneath the tree. Startled Steven dropped his cigarettes.

"_Shit!_" He said as he sat watching it fall, only to see the unknown stranger catch it just before it hit the ground. A little shocked the man had caught it Steven jumped down, landing on his feet perfectly.

"I guess you could say I'm slightly young." Steven answered the man's previous question, looking him up and down. He had dark brown spiky hair, pale white skin, chocolate brown eyes, and a muscular build, covered by a black leather trench coat. But that wasn't strange to Steven, what felt odd to him was the strong sense of familiarity he felt when he looked at the man, the scent especially.

He smelt familiar, but Steven was sure he'd never met him before. He looked to be in his twenties, but his eyes seemed to be the eyes of someone much older.

"I see…" The man said, nodding.

"Um… Can I have that back now?" Steven asked eyeing his smokes.

"I don't know. That depends, how old are you?"

"Eighteen."

The man raised an eyebrow at him.

"What? I could be eighteen, you don't know…" Steven said looking down.

"Uh-huh." The man said.

"Your not going to give that back to me are you?"

The man shook his head. "Nope."

Sighing, he threw his cigarette down, stomped it out, and sat. "So, who are you anyway?" He asked. He thought he probably should be wary of the stranger in front of him, but for some reason he actually felt at ease.

"My name is Angel." Angel said sitting in the spot next to Steven. "And you are?"

"Oh, I'm Steven." He said turning his head to look at Angel. "Angel, huh? That's a strange name for a guy." And to his surprise Angel laughed. He was sure he had heard that laugh before. But he couldn't of, could he? He didn't know this person.

"Yeah," Angel said. "So, why are you out here so late, your parents must be worried."

Steven snorted. "Kinda the whole reason I'm here, and my father doesn't know. Well, I hope he doesn't at least, that's the last thing I need right now."

"And why is that?' Angel asked, and Steven saw a sudden sadness in his eyes, and found he couldn't look away from them as he said;

"Uh… He's not the nicest guy if you catch my drift." Why was he telling this to a total stranger? Was he a stranger?

He saw anger flash in Angel's brown eyes as he asked; "What do you mean? What does he do to you?"

"Uh… He… He just, isn't very nice, alright?" He said quietly, as a hazy memory crept into his conscious mind, of him as a baby staring into the demonic face of a vampire, and laughing. Then of Angel holding him and singing, badly, but he didn't care because he was safe, and being held by his father. Wait, no. This man wasn't his father. He couldn't be. Then why did he have memories of him? He'd been dreaming of when he was a baby for the last couple of months, but he could never see the face of the man holding him, until now…

"Hey I'm sorry this might sound weird, but I feel like I know you from somewhere. Have we met before?" Steven said his brow knitted together in confusion.

"Yes, we have." Angel said reaching into his front jacket pocket, and pulling out an old photograph. He held it out for Steven, and he took it. Gently unfolding it he was shocked by what he saw. It was him as an infant, cradled in the arms of Angel, and him looking lovingly at Steven. He knew it was him because the baby in the picture had his ice blue eyes.

"Who are you, really?" He asked his eyes wide as he stared at Angel.

Angel took a deep breath and said; "I'm your real father, and you won't believe how long I've waited to see you again…"

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**A/N: Oooh! Cliffhanger! How will Steven/Connor react to this shocking news? Well you shall find out in the next chapter! O.O tehe… And if you have any questions about this AU fic then just ask and I'll tell if it seems kinda confusing. R&R if ya want to!**


	2. Hell house

**Disclaimer: Unfortunately I do not own it… Love it to death, but don't own it…**

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**Warning: Child… or rather Teenager Abuse in the chapter.**

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**A/N: First off I would like to apologize for my short chapters. I can't help it, I feel the chapter is done so I quit writing. Later chapters will be better than this one (hopefully) Not sure if they'll be longer though. We'll have to just wait and see… **

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What? No. This couldn't be him. Wait… _Angel_… "Angelus_…_" Steven said, his heart racing.

"That hasn't been my name for a very long time." Angel said looking sadly at his son.

"W-what do you mean?" Steven had begun scooting away from Angel, not sure what to think, or do.

"I won't hurt you Connor, I could never do that. I have a soul now. I had one when you were just a baby, and I held you, but then _he_ took you away from me." Angel said, his eyes were pleading, and Steven stopped moving once he heard the name 'Connor' and saw the look on the vampire's face.

"Connor?" He asked, and stood. _Is that my name? Yes… I think I remember it. No, what if he's lying, he may not have a soul. But… He does, I can feel it. And I can see it in his eyes. He's not lying, then that means… _"Father lied to me…" He whispered.

"Yes, your name is Connor… What did Holtz tell you, son?" Angel stood as well.

"I… He… he said that you didn't have a soul, like all vampires, and that you didn't want me… But you have a soul, I know… I can feel it. But, I don't understand… how?" He stared intently into Angel's eyes searching for answers.

"Gypsies. They did this whole curse thing, but that's not important right now," Angel said moving closer to Connor, and was pleased when he didn't retreat back. "What's important now is that I finally found you, and I don't expect you to go believing me right away, but I want you to know that what he said wasn't true, I _did_ want you. I would have died for you, I still would…"

Connor stood there, his mouth slightly agape in shock at what was happening. He did believe Angel, but he needed to confirm what he was saying. He had the memories, yes but he needed more, he would have to talk to father, no he would have to talk to _Daniel_. But he would have to do it in a smart way so he wouldn't find out that he had seen Angel.

"Why would he take me from you?" He finally asked in a hushed tone.

Angel took an unnecessary breath, and said; "It's because of what I did to his family when I was Angelus, but you have to understand Connor I didn't have a soul then, for whatever little that counts, I didn't." Angel sighed. "Your mother, Darla and I, we killed his family… except for his daughter, we… we turned her, knowing that he would have to kill her…" Angel stared down, ashamed of his past.

"But, did he know you had a soul when he stole me?" Connor asked.

"Yes, he knew."

"And he did it anyway? Why? I don't… I don't understand this very well, but it somewhat makes sense…" Connor sighed. If this was true, and Connor had a gut feeling it was, then he knew now why Daniel hated him, why he hurt him, but how could he steal Connor from his real father if he knew Angel had a soul? He wasn't sure, but he was dead set on finding out. His eyes became watery as he thought of all the painful nights he'd spent in that house of secrets…

"Connor? Are you okay?" Angel asked, gently wiping away a stray tear that had fallen from his son's eye. "I know this is a lot to take in, if you want me to leave… I will." He said in pained voice.

"No…" Connor said, unknowingly leaning into his father's touch. "I don't want you to leave, I'm just… I believe you, but I just need to make sure. Okay?" He was looking into his father's eyes, and he knew this was him, but he had to talk to Daniel, he just had to… He treated Connor so badly, but still some part of Connor, no matter how little it seemed to be now, still loved him, despite himself.

Angel gave a small smile. "Okay."

Connor stepped to lean against the tree. He could sense it now, sense that Angel was vampire, he was too distracted to before. "So… um… where do you live exactly? I'm assuming your not from Utah."

"No, Los Angeles."

"Wow… But Isn't that a little… Sunny for… You know…" Connor said shying away from the 'V' word.

"For vampires you mean?" Angel finished for him.

Connor nodded, keeping his head down, hoping to hide the blush that was slowly creeping up his cheeks.

"Contrary to what most people think vampires tend to like being in big cities such as, .L.A., Miami… Anywhere warm with overpopulated amounts of people to feed on." Angel said, then added at Connor's surprised look; "But I don't feed from humans, I drink pigs blood."

"Really? Do… do you like go and kill them or… what do you do exactly?" He asked, curious his head tilted to the side.

"No, no. I have a deal with a butcher." Angel assured him.

"Oh, well that's smart, I guess…" How did this happen? One minute he's hiding from the world in a tree, the next he's meeting his biological father? Things just don't work like that, at least not for Connor. _Connor…_ He thought. He knew that was his name. He never really liked the name 'Steven'. It didn't suit him. He would have to leave soon, go back to 'father'. But he didn't want to. He felt at peace here, and he didn't want that to end.

"Where are you staying?" Connor suddenly asked.

"The Best Western just outside of town." Angel answered, his eyebrows raised.

"Okay, good I know where that is… What number are you?"

"Room 119. Why?"

"I have to leave, but I want to make sure I can find you later… Is that okay?" He asked his face hid behind his hair.

"Of course you can," Angel said, pushing Connor's hair from his eyes. "I wouldn't have searched this long if I didn't want to see you again, Connor. I knew from the moment I saw you, that you were my son… I love you."

Connor's eyes widened at this. No one had ever said that to him before. Well his adoptive mother Justine had said those words to him, but that was so long ago, he was only four when she died. He didn't know what to do… So he just stood there, staring at his father, his _real_ father. He knew he couldn't say those words back yet, but he also knew that he would one day. He was pulled out of his thoughts by Angel embracing him. Timidly, he wrapped his arms around the vampire, breathing in the scent. He wanted to remember it before he had to go back _there_.

The hug didn't last very long, but it felt perfect. Pulling back Connor said; "Well… I guess I should go now… I-I'll see you soon right?"

"Whenever you want to." Angel said, a small smile playing at his lips.

"Alright… I… Well, bye I guess…" Connor said as he began to walk away.

"Bye, son." Angel said sadly, as he watched Connor begin to run his way home. No that wasn't Connor's home. His home was with Angel, and he wanted nothing more than to rip that bastard Holtz' throat out, and bring Connor back to the Hyperion with him, and start a life as a family together, but… He knew that wasn't the right way to go about it. He would wait, he would wait as long as he needed to until Connor was willing to come back home with him…

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It wasn't long until Connor made it back to his yard. Looking around him to make sure there was no one watching, he jumped, grabbing hold of the window pane he pulled himself up and into his bedroom. And what he saw once there sent chills down his spine.

"Well, well, well…" Daniel said tersely, sitting on Connor's bed drumming his fingers on his knee.

"F-father, I…" He trailed off, afraid and unsure of what to say.

"You what, Steven? Where have you _been_?" The hate, and rage evident in Daniel's eyes.

"I… Nowhere… I-I went for a walk… I'm sorry father." He said his voice quiet, his eyes terrified of what was surely to come.

"Went for a walk? Boy, I told you _never_ to lie to me! Where did you _go_?" Daniel's voice was a deadly whisper, making Connor inwardly cringe.

"I told you, I went for a walk. I didn't do anything else, I just walked for awhile… I'm sorry, I should've asked you first." He knew Daniel wouldn't believe him, he never did even when he was actually being honest, he still punished Connor as if he wasn't.

"Come here." Daniel said in a low tone, one that Connor dreaded. And when Connor didn't budge he suddenly stood, his face taking on a frightening look. "Boy, you _will_ do as I say, now _come here!_" He said pulling out a crude looking knife.

Connor's heartbeat was deafening in his ears as he quickly retreated back, hitting the wall in the process. "_No…_" Connor whimpered, his eyes never leaving the knife that had been used on him so many times before.

"What!" Daniel snarled, his eyes black and empty.

"I-I-I said n-no…" Connor stuttered. He wasn't sure he could handle the pain anymore. He couldn't just take it, but he thought he couldn't do anything about either. He needed an escape so badly, but there wasn't a way, at least not one that he could see. He was cornered, he was stuck. He was stuck in this hell, that he would give anything to get out of…

Daniel didn't like Connor's answer, he lurched forward burying the knife into Connor's left arm. Connor's breath came in gasps, tears filling his eyes as Daniel twisted the blade, making Connor cry out in pain.

"_Apologize!_" Daniel pulled the knife from Connor's arm, only to plunge it into the other one. "Ahh! No!" Connor managed to gasp out.

Daniel roared in rage, slamming Connor hard against the wall. "I said apologize to me!"

"I said… I won't…" Connor whispered, sliding down the wall, and onto his knees.

"Yes you will!" Daniel kicked Connor in the stomach, knocking him down, then harshly ripped the blade from his right arm, and cut him from his neck to his wrist, slicing his shirt in the process. "_Stop!_" Connor screamed.

Daniel laughed. "Your worthless, I do this because of you. Your weak, your weak like Justine was weak, and if you don't obey me what happened to her will happen to you!" He then pulled Connor's shirt up, exposing his stomach, and began carving 'weak' into his tender flesh. Connor screamed, trying to crawl away only to be shoved back down.

"_P-please…_" He whimpered. "_I'm s-s-sorry! Please! Stop!_"

Daniel only laughed. A laugh that could have put the evilest creature from the dark depths of hell to shame…

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Daniel had finally left an hour later, muttering for Connor to clean himself up. Once Connor heard Daniel downstairs he broke down. Sobbing, as quietly as he could. He was trembling violently. Both from the physical pain, and the psychological trauma he had just suffered.

Finally deciding to clean, and dress his wounds, he forced himself up. Still shaking, he pushed open the bathroom door, and turned on the shower. Stripping himself of his bloodied clothes he stepped in, letting the hot water wash away all the blood, and tears that were both still freely pouring out.

He couldn't stay there anymore. It was getting worse. It wouldn't get better, it just never would. Connor knew that now after hearing what Daniel had said. _"Your weak, weak like Justine was weak, and if you don't obey what happened to her will happen to you!"_

Daniel had always told Connor that Justine had died of natural causes, but after what he said tonight, Connor knew it was a lie… And if he didn't leave soon, when he did he might not be alive.

He'd thought about running away countless times before, but he never had anywhere else to go. _But now… _he thought. He had Angel. He saw the love in the vampire's brown orbs, he knew that he wanted him now. He always had, but the man who posed as his 'father' had prevented that. He ripped Connor out of the loving arms of his father, but Connor was going to get that back now….

He was afraid though, what if Daniel came after him? And he surely would… But Connor knew he had a better chance with Angel then he did with Daniel. And he wanted to know his real father. He felt like… They were connected. They had a bond, Connor knew. He felt it. He sensed it, and he knew Angel did too.

He had to leave tonight. While Daniel thought him too weak to. Yes… He would dress his wounds, pack some things, and find Angel… His father…

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**A/N: Too much graphic violence? Should I make this rated M? I blame the violence on the metal music I was listening to while I wrote this. Home Grown by Otep. Sad, sad song… And also, I've been watching too much Criminal Minds. It made me sad writing about Connor getting abused by Holtz. :'(  
Now some of you may think that I rushed into Connor wanting to go off with Angel, but you know what? Their family, their connected! Just like Lorne said in that episode (sorry, don't know the title) when Connor was a baby and wouldn't stop crying. Yeah, you know which one I'm talking about. O.O**


	3. Escape

**Disclaimer: Sheesh… I don't own it… So there's no point to sue me… I have nothing worth anything! The most you would get are, pointless poems, and emo art! Which you really just don't want…**

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**A/N: Sorry it's taken me so long to update… I actually rewrote this. It's totally different from the first 'third' chapter I wrote. It sucked… Trust me, this one is much better… And longer than it was before. **

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_I can't believe I'm actually doing this…_ Connor thought, as he passed by room number, after room number, searching for his father.

It didn't take Connor long to escape through the window again. After he was fully bandaged, and hiding the majority of his injuries beneath a black hoodie, he packed a few things, and waited until he was sure Daniel was fast asleep, and left.

And here he was… Now standing in front of room 119, too nervous to knock on the door. _What am I supposed to say? "Oh, hi I know I only met you again a few hours ago, but can I come live with you? Because if I don't I'm pretty sure my kidnapper might just kill me." _He thought. _Yeah, that'd go over real nicely… _

Connor ran a hand through his hair, and sat on the floor, leaning against the wall opposite his father's room. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all… But… Angel said he always wanted him. Said he tried to find him every one of his fifteen years of being missing. And he was missing… He never belonged with that man. The man that told him that god gave Connor to him for a reason. That reason being that he was to be raised to be good, to have all the evil he held, painfully removed from him, through long nights of punishment that he was sure would forever haunt him.

He never did anything to that man, and he treated him as if _Connor_ was the one who slaughtered his poor family. And Connor could never, ever do that. Connor, the boy who cried after he killed his first demon, when he was eleven. Connor, the boy who had desperately tried to please his so called adoptive father. Connor, the boy who all he ever wanted from life was to be loved, and never received it, but had so much of it to give.

But now… Angel loved him, he had said so, and Connor knew in his heart that he wasn't lying. He couldn't lie to him… He could tell by the way he looked at him.

Connor took a deep breath, and muttered to himself; "Just do it! Just get up, and do it!" Taking in another calming breath, he was about to stand when the door suddenly swung open, revealing a concerned looking Angel. "Connor?" He asked.

Connor stayed still, his face resembling the expression of a deer caught in the headlights. "Uh… Hi… Angel…" He said, staring up at the vampire.

"Hi," Angel said, giving a half smile. "Would you like to come inside?"

"Yeah… That's probably a good idea." Connor muttered, as he took the hand Angel offered him, helping him up. Once inside the room, Connor sat down on the queen sized hotel bed, and sighed, as Angel asked; "Connor, did something happen?"

"Uh… Yeah you could say that…" Connor replied vaguely, staring down.

"That's not really an answer, son." Said Angel, as he kneeled in front of Connor.

Pulling at his sleeves to make sure his bandages were well hidden, Connor once again took a deep breath and said, his words rushed together. "I don't wanna stay here anymore."

"What?"

"I-I said, I don't wanna stay here anymore…"

"What do you mean? What's wrong?" Angel questioned, noticing his son's fidgeting movements with his sleeves, acting as though he had something to hide.

"Nothing's wrong… I just can't be here anymore…"

"Well something must have happened to make you want to leave." Angel persisted, placing his hands on Connor's shoulders, and was taken aback, when Connor winced and shrugged off his touch, in pain. "Your hurt…" Whispered Angel, as he tried to get Connor's jacket off.

"Ahh! No, I'm not! I'm fine! Angel quit!" Connor protested, trying to move away, but it was pointless, for Angel had already ripped it right off. "_Oh my god…_" Connor barely heard his father gasp, even with his inhuman hearing. "Did he do this to you?"

Connor only looked down, afraid and ashamed of what Daniel had done to him. And of what Angel must think of him now. He must think him so very weak… So very fragile… And he knew that he was, but he always tried his best to hide it, but never quite succeeding.

Connor felt the bed shift, indicating that Angel now sat beside him. Then felt cold fingers underneath his chin, as the vampire gently lifted it up, gazing into his eyes. "Connor," What should he tell him? The truth he supposed, not all of it though… Angel couldn't handle knowing everything that was done to Connor. "Did _he _do this to you?"

Connor didn't answer, instead letting his tears speak more clearly than he ever could, as they flowed out like waterfalls from his anguish filled eyes.

Angel's unbeating heart broke at the sight before him. His child, his baby boy, so broken, so hurt… wrapped in bandages that were once white, now stained red from his blood. Not even giving it a second thought, Angel engulfed Connor in a gentle hug, wanting more than anything to torture, and kill the son of a bitch that did this to him, very, _very_ slowly…

"_Shh…_" Angel soothed. "He can't hurt you now… Never again. I won't let him…" Connor merely sobbed harder, desperately clinging to Angel, and burying his face in Angel's coat.

Connor's body shook, completely racked with emotion, as he listened to the reassuring words Angel softly spoke to him, holding him as tightly as he could without bringing anymore pain to Connor's still sore wounds.

"_I just wanna leave…_" Connor whimpered, trying his very best to calm down.

"I know… And we will… Right after I pay _him_ a visit."

Angel felt Connor freeze, then pull away from him, his eyes huge. "W-what are you gonna do to him?"

"I'll do to him, what he deserves for _ever_ laying a hand on you." Angel said, all too calmly.

Shaking his head frantically, Connor released his hold on Angel and said earnestly; "No, no! You can't do that! You just can't…"

"Why not? After everything that man, for lack of a better word, did to you, to _you!_ He deserves any, and everything that I can do to him!"

Suddenly standing, and running a hand through his hair Connor said exasperatedly; "Does he deserve whatever you can dish out at him? Probably so, but don't… for me, just please… don't…"

Rising from the bed to stand in front of his son, Angel wrapped his arms around Connor and said softly; "If that's what you want, then okay…"

Sniffling Connor nodded, "It is…" Then asked hesitantly; "So… does this mean I can come live with you?…"

Pulling back ever so slightly Angel smiled down at his child. "Of course you can. That's all I ever wanted for these past fifteen years, was to find you and bring you back home… where you belong…"

"Oh…" Connor felt his face grow hot from the blush that now lay there. "Well that's good then…"

Angel laughed. "Yes… it is…"

"Well… when can we leave?"

_

* * *

_

_I made it…_ Connor thought, _I'm here…_ now standing in the middle of his room at the Hyperion Hotel, where Angel lived. He hadn't cared much for the plane ride over to .L.A. he'd never been on a plane before tonight, and he wasn't sure he wanted to go on one ever again… His ears had popped very painfully. He didn't know how Angel could stand it, knowing that he had the same hearing as him. Throwing his backpack on the bed, he flopped down next to it, completely exhausted from everything that happened.

Angel left him alone for awhile to get 'settled in' as he put it. When really Connor could hear him down in the lobby explaining everything to his friends. He met them briefly, they all seemed pretty nice enough. Especially that lady they called Fred. She came rushing towards Connor as soon as she saw him, and happily embraced him in a huge bear hug that he wouldn't have thought her capable of, and said; _"We're so glad to see you again!" _

He tried, but he couldn't recall seeing them in the first place… He remembered Angel, but beyond that everything was very fuzzy… Gunn seemed okay too. He was married to Fred. Then he met Lorne… He'd never met a demon that he wasn't meant to kill before. Daniel always told him that there was no gray when it came to evil. That if you didn't kill them first, then they _would_ kill you. But when Connor met the green skinned demon he didn't seem to have a single evil bone in his body. And Connor knew then that Daniel was wrong…

He was wrong about so many things… He was wrong about Angel, so very wrong that it was hard for Connor to even fathom how he could've ever believed that his father didn't love him… He was wrong about demons. And he was wrong about Connor, although not entirely in Connor's eyes. He always said Connor was bad, and that he was making him good by what he did to him. Which Connor knew was one of his biggest lies. He was evil, Daniel was, he always had been. He was driven mad by revenge, revenge that consumed his entire life. Revenge that made him hurt Connor…

But through all of Daniel's lies Connor saw one truth. _He was weak… _And he feared he would always be this way. But Angel was strong. He learned some things about his father on the way to Los Angeles. He learned that his father was a warrior for good, that he helped people in need. And although he wished for nothing more than to rewrite time, and grow up with Angel, he never could…

But that didn't matter. Because he had a chance now, and he wouldn't let anything, or anyone ruin that.

Yawning, Connor rolled over onto his side, staring absent mindedly at the blue walls. He could still hear them talking. He wondered if his father knew that he could. He told him he had the same enhanced senses as him on the plane, but Connor doubted he believed they were as good as his, what with Connor being 'human' and all. Or… Kind of human. He never could figure out what he was exactly… But maybe now he and Angel could find that out together. At least… He hoped so…

"What do you mean Holtz hurt him?" He heard Fred ask, outraged.

"I don't know, I don't have all the details, but when he came to me tonight… He was covered in bandages that were completely _soaked_ with his blood… I know that _he_ did that to him… I just know he did…" Angel said, solemnly.

"You should've killed him…" Connor was shocked to hear those words come out of Fred's mouth. The thirty-five year old Texan apparently had a lot more edge to her than she let on.

"You think I didn't want to? After what I saw he did to Connor, I… I honestly don't know what I would've done had Connor not told me to leave…"

"That bastard took away Connor's childhood! If I ever see him, I'll kill him myself!"

"I second that!" Connor finally heard Gunn speak.

"As much as I appreciate how much you guys care for him… Connor doesn't want anything to happen to Holtz, so unless he says otherwise we just have to forget about what he's done…" Said Angel, then added; "At least for the time being…"

Fred sighed. "Alright, I understand…"

There was a long silence, until Gunn spoke up, asking; "So… Have you told Spike about Junior up there yet?"

"_Oh god…_"Angel groaned. "I forgot all about Spike…"

"You didn't tell him?" Fred asked, sounding surprised.

"Yeah… Not to sound negative or anything, but… How do you think the kid's gonna react when he finds out that there's _another_ vampire with a soul." Gunn asked. "And isn't Connor like Spike's uncle or something like that… Or wait… Is Spike his grandfather…" He trailed off confused.

"No technically he would be Spike's Uncle…" Angel said, suddenly very agitated.

_I'm someone's uncle?… No I'm a vampire's uncle… That's so… Weird._ He thought as he shifted positions, now on his back, blocking out the voices below. Another vampire with a soul? How many were there now? Had he killed any that had souls? No… He would have known if they did… Wouldn't he?

"Connor?" Angel said as he knocked on the door. "Can I come in?"

"Yeah…" Connor answered, sitting up.

"Hi…" Angel said, stepping inside and closing the door softly behind him.

"Hi…"

"I need to tell you something…" Angel started, sitting in the chair across from the bed.

"Oh… Is it bad?…" Connor asked, fidgeting slightly, even though he was pretty sure he knew what Angel was about to tell him.

"Well… No it's not bad… Just it might be a little surprising."

"Oh, okay then… Go on…" Connor prompted.

"You know how I'm a vampire with a soul?…" Connor nodded. "Well… There is another ensouled vampire… His name is Spike."

"Spike?… Seriously Angel, where do you people get your names from?" Connor asked.

"Well, his name is actually William, but he goes by Spike now… Just like my real name is Liam."

"Liam?" Connor snickered.

"Hey!" Angel said, trying to conceal a smile. "There is nothing wrong with the name Liam!"

"If you say so…"

"Well, anyway… Spike is living here, and I just thought it'd be best if you knew he had a soul before you met him, so you wouldn't try to you know… stake him…" Angel finished, then added; "Because if anyone is going to, it'll be me…"

"Why?… I thought you said he has a soul?"

"Oh he does… We just don't get along very well…"

"Oh…" Connor said, then yawned loudly.

"I should probably let you get some sleep." Angel muttered, heading towards the door. "I'll see you tomorrow, we can catch up some more then, okay?"

"Yeah, okay… Goodnight…"

"Night…" Angel said smiling, before he turned off the light, and shut the door.

Sighing, Connor kicked off his shoes, and pushed his bag off the bed. Covering himself with the fluffy duvet, he breathed in deeply the smell. His father's scent was everywhere… It completely surrounded the entire building, and the people inside. He never wanted to leave this place… Not ever… But he couldn't escape this dreaded feeling that something bad was going to happen, whether he could stop it or not he didn't know. And as he lie there, drifting off into a unsettling sleep, that soon would be filled with nightmares, Connor vaguely wondered if Daniel would ever find him…

* * *

"Excuse me…" Daniel asked the woman behind the counter at the airport. "Have you seen this boy by any chance?" Sliding a picture of Steven to the woman Daniel awaited her answer. He'd been looking everywhere in town for Steven as soon as he noticed he was missing. Apparently Daniel had been too easy on the boy, since he clearly didn't understand how dire the consequences for his actions would be now.

"Hmmm… Yes, I remember he, and his friend purchased two, one way tickets to Los Angeles." She said.

"His friend? Can you describe him for me?"

"Yes sir, He was tall, muscular build, had spiky brown hair, was rather pale, and wore a black leather trench coat…"

"Ahh… I see…"

"I hope that helps you, sir…" She said cheerily, completely unaware of the damage she just caused.

"Oh, trust me… It does…" He said, taking back the photograph and purchasing a ticket to .L.A.

_Angelus… _Daniel thought darkly, _You will pay for what you have done. And after I make your own flesh and blood destroy you, I'll finally be rid of him…_

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**A/N: Holtz is one seriously twisted dude… O.O So I should probably say this now… There will be no Cordy in this Fic… I really just can't look at her the same way after she was possessed, and basically molested Connor. (true he consented, but I mean eww! It was just wrong!!! She was like his mommy!!) . Also… I like Illyria, but… I like Fred better… Maybe in another fic I'll have her…**


	4. Insomniac

**Disclaimer: Don't own it O.O**

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**Warning: Mild violence, and mild child abuse. **

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**A/N: Hope you like the new chapter! I'm not really sure how many chapters will be in this story… I guess how ever many it takes until it feels finished (?) **

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"_Your weak… That's all you'll ever be…" Came the frequently spoken words, as another kick came in contact with Connor's already bruised ribcage._

"_Worthless!" Kick. "Evil!" Kick. "Little!" Kick. "Boy!" Kick._

Imagines of past horrors all fought for the chance to consume Connor's dreams, as he thrashed about in bed, whimpering and screaming.

"_Satan has reserved a special place in hell for you Steven." Daniel said, circling around a half naked Connor, crying, lying semi conscious beaten, and bloodied on the floor. "But maybe… Just maybe… I can save you, cleanse you of sin, the sin of you living." _

_Daniel bent down to stare into Connor's drooping eyelids and asked sinisterly; "Are you ready to die, Steven?" Then everything faded to black…_

* * *

"Connor!" He heard his name, as he was roughly shaken awake. "Connor! Wake up!"

Connor shot straight up, panting heavily, his eyes wide. _It was a dream?… It felt so real… _He actually thought he was going to die… No… He couldn't now. Not after he finally had a reason to live. Had something that would actually make him _happy…_

Unknowingly to Connor he was crying. Staring blankly at the wall, he felt the cold, yet somehow warm embrace of his father, as he heard whispered words of comfort spoken to him.

"_Dad, it hurts…"_ Connor murmured through his tears, as he tried to relax into the hug, but the aching of his wounds wouldn't allow it.

"I know, son… I know… It was just a dream… It's over now…" Angel said gently, wiping away a few stray tears from Connor's pale face.

"But it wasn't… It was more than that…" Connor said barely audible. "I'm afraid… I'm afraid he's going to find me…"

"I won't let him hurt you again." Angel said forcefully.

"I know you won't…" Connor said, flinching as he moved, feeling his injuries tear open.

"Connor? Are you okay?" Asked Angel, worriedly.

"_Dad… No… It hurts…_" He whispered, lifting up his shirt, his jaw dropped once he saw the damage that was done. He was bleeding almost as bad as when he was first cut open.

"Oh my god, Connor…" Angel gasped out, gently trying to pull Connor's bloodstained shirt over his head, without moving him too much. Once it was off, Angel went about removing the soaking bandages. "_Shit!_" Connor cursed, as part of the gauze that was dried to his wound was pulled off. "I'm sorry!" He heard Angel frantically apologize.

"_Ahh…_ No… It's fine." Connor managed to say, pulling away some of the gauze as well. But then stopped, realizing that Angel had. "Dad?" He asked. "What's wrong?" _Besides the obvious…_

"I can't believe he did this to you…" Angel whispered, his eyes locked on Connor's lower abdomen. Connor looked at it well, momentarily forgetting what was carved into it.

"I… I…" He trailed off, at a loss for words to say. What could he say? There was nothing anyone could do about what was done to him now, except try to stop the bleeding, and the aching sting he was feeling very strongly right now.

Angel shook his head, as if shaking away painful thoughts, as he tore away the rest of the gauze, and took in the devastating sight before him.

"My god, Connor… If I'd only known… I-I should have done something more… I should have tried harder to find you…" Said Angel, completely guilt ridden.

"No, you couldn't have done anything more than what you did. _This…_" Connor said gesturing towards himself. "This… Is _not _your fault, you have to know that…"

"But it is…" Angel said, not meeting Connor's eyes, too ashamed to. "I could've taken the deal Wolfram and Hart offered me, and I could have found you so much sooner, maybe even before he ever did this…"

"Dad, look at me." And Angel did, not able to deny his son anything he wanted. "Now I want you to listen to what I'm about to say… You did the right thing. I'm glad you didn't take that deal with the evil law firm that, If I remember what you said correctly, wanted to _dissect _me! I don't want you to ever think that I blame you for anything. Because I don't. I never have, and I never will…"

Angel nodded. Then taking Connor's hand said; "Come on, we need to take you to a doctor."

"What? No!"

"Connor, your hurt! You need stitches. We're going." Angel said sternly.

"No, we can't go see a doctor! If we do, don't you think their gonna want to know how _this_ happened to me? And it's not going to be hard to figure out, and what if it's you they think did it?" Connor finished, desperately trying to keep him, and his father from walking out the door.

Angel froze, taking in the accuracy of Connor's words. "Your right…" He finally said. Connor sighed in relief. "I bet Fred can help, she's stitched me up plenty of times."

"Uh… Fred?…" Connor asked, unsure.

"Yes…" Angel nodded. "You stay right here. I'll go call Fred, and then I'll help you clean your wounds, okay?"

"Okay…" Connor said, then waited until his father was halfway out of the door before he muttered; "And dad…" Angel stopped, intently listening. "Thank you…"

"For what?…" Angel questioned, baffled by his son's words.

"For… _caring…_"

"You never have to thank me for that, son. I'll always care…" He said before he disappeared into the hallway.

* * *

One hour, and fifty-five stitches later, Connor sat on the round couch in the lobby sipping on a coke.

"Angel, I told you he's going to be fine!" Said a tired, and frustrated Fred, clothed in only her puppy printed pajamas, and a oversized coat, that Connor suspected belonged to Gunn.

"Are you sure?" Angel persisted, despite the obvious annoyance in the woman's gaze.

"Yes! For the last time yes! He's healed pretty fast already, we'll just need to take the stitches out in about a week, maybe less depending on how fast he will heal." She said, walking to the hotel entrance.

"I'll see you later sweetie," She said, to Connor timidly giving him a side hug, afraid she might hurt him. "When it's actually day light outside." Connor nodded, giving her a half smile.

As soon as Fred made her way out of the building, Angel swiftly moved to the couch, and sat next to Connor. "How are you feeling?"

Connor shrugged his shoulders, which he soon regretted, as it sent a sharp pain shooting through his ribcage.

"Don't do that!" Angel said, fussing over Connor's newly sewn stitches. "You need to take some pain medication."

"No. It's fine…" Connor assured, but quickly ate his words, as he moved again causing another wave of pain.

Angel stood, making his way to his office. "Wait! Dad, where are you going?"

"I'm getting you some pain pills. I'll be right back." Angel promised, before disappearing inside the other room.

Leaning his head back, Connor closed his eyes. He was so tired, but he was afraid to go back to sleep, he doubted he even could after the dream he had. Connor shivered just thinking about it.

"Are you cold?" Angel asked, handing Connor two Tylenol, which he now happily accepted, washing it down with his soda.

"Eh… Not really…" He replied, letting out a deep breath, he wasn't aware he was holding.

Closing his eyes again, Connor felt Angel beside him. "You look exhausted, we should probably get you to bed."

Connor sighed. "Probably… but no…"

"Your dream won't come back Connor."

"I don't know if it will or not… but I'm not wanting to find out right now."

"Okay." Angel said, pushing the hair out of Connor's face. "Your hair is so long…"

"Is that a bad thing?" Asked Connor, staring at Angel through one open eye.

"Oh no! I didn't mean it in a bad way!"

Connor laughed at the scared look on his father's face, thinking he just said something wrong. "Good, 'cause I'm not cutting it anytime soon."

A silence overtook the building, as Connor fought to stay awake, and was very close to losing his battle when he heard Angel ask him; "Are you by any chance left handed?"

Startled by the question, Connor's eyes shot open as he gave Angel a incredulous look. "Um… No… Why?"

"It's just… When you were a baby, you always gripped harder with your left hand then you did with your right. You had quite a grip on you, you know…"

"Wow… I can't believe you still remember something like that…"

"Yeah, well…" Angel said, staring off into space.

"Peaches here is very sentimental that way…" Said a British accented voice.

Looking up Connor saw who the voice belonged to. A tall, pale, thin man, with hair that was very obviously bleached with peroxide.

"Dad… Who's that?" Connor asked, sizing up the English man.

Angel groaned. "_That_ would be Spike…"

"Oh…" Connor said. _Not what I expected… But then again… His name's Spike so I guess I didn't know what to expect._

"So," Spike said, walking towards the coach. "This is Junior, is it…" Stopping in front of Connor he asked; "So what happened to you, then?"

Connor merely shrugged, hiding the pain he felt once he did so. Looking over he saw his father giving Spike a deadly glare. _If looks could kill…_ He thought, looking back at Spike he saw the blonde vampire shrug it off, nonchalantly and say; "Well then, you know who I am, and your name is?…" He trailed off, waiting for an answer.

"Uh, Connor."

"Ah, yes… Didn't get a name change then. That's good."

"Yeah, I guess so…" Connor said, still trying to figure whether he liked Spike or not.

"I never met you when you were a baby." Spike said. "Came here 'bout a year after. Peaches here was very determined to find you, glad to see he finally did."

Angel seemed very surprised by what Spike said, for he just stared at him blankly. So Connor decided to speak saying awkwardly; "Uh… Thank you…"

"Yeah, well… I'll see you blokes later." He said, making his way up the stairs.

Seeing Spike was out of the room Connor said; "Well… That was odd…"

"Yeah…" Was all Angel said, then shook off his shocked demeanor, and asked; "Are you tired yet?"

To which Connor shook his head, still afraid of what might be lurking in his subconscious mind.

"Okay," Angel said, giving Connor a reassuring look. "You don't have to, but do you at least want to go upstairs?"

"Not really…" Connor sighed, letting his eyes close once again. He was so tired… But he couldn't let sleep take him right now. He wasn't supposed to be scared anymore, he was home. He was safe. Daniel couldn't get him now, Angel said so himself, he would protect Connor. But if there's one thing that Connor learned growing up in that house, is that you should _never_ underestimate Daniel. He will always find a way to get what he wants, and Connor knew, he could feel it in his bones, that Daniel wouldn't rest until he had Connor back with him. And after what Connor did, things would surely be a hundred times worse than before.

"Connor?" He heard, Angel ask. "Are you okay?"

"Fine…" He replied, letting his head fall onto his dad's shoulder.

"You know I won't let him get you, right?" Said Angel, staring down at his tired child, who was fighting a losing battle against sleep.

"I know dad… I know…" Connor said before yawning one last time, he was standing on the brink of sleep, and was slowly being pushed off. Falling deeper, and deeper, until he finally felt safe enough to let it take him under.

Minutes later, Angel realized his son had fallen asleep. Smiling, he picked Connor up without moving him too much, and began to carry him to his room. Kicking the door open, he laid Connor down, covering him up with the blanket, and took the seat next to the bed. He wanted to be there incase Connor had another nightmare.

He was so happy that his son was finally back with him, but he was also worried. Worried about Connor's injuries, worried about Connor's state of mind. Worried that Connor might always live in fear of the man that he let take his only son. He regretted not taking that deal with Wolfram and Hart every single day of his life. He could have saved Connor long ago if he had, he knew that. He didn't care if it damned his soul to do so, he should have saved his child. Connor said he didn't blame him for what happened, but that didn't mean Angel didn't blame himself. He had failed as a father, failed his son so badly…

But he would make up for that now. Nothing was going to take his son away from him now. Not ever again. He wouldn't allow it. He was going to keep his son safe. He would give Connor all the things that Daniel had taken from him. But most of all… He would show Connor that he was loved. And he was… Not just by Angel, but by all his friends as well. They were a family, and now their family was complete. For the most part anyway… Cordy was gone. Left with Groo. Called one day saying she wouldn't be coming back. And that was fine, Angel loved her yes, but he just wanted her to be happy, and he knew she never would be with him.

Wesley on the other hand, Angel wasn't sure he could forgive yet. It'd been fifteen years, and he was still just as bitter as he ever was about one of his closest friends stealing his son. He knew Wes did what he had to do with the facts he had, but still… Angel would never kill his son. Could never harm him in anyway. And Wesley should have known that, prophecies aside, he should have known that Angel wouldn't be capable of such a thing. He wasn't Angelus anymore, he never would be again if he could help it.

Looking up, he noticed Connor roll over in his sleep. He looked so peaceful. He looked like he didn't have a care in the world. And Angel knew then, as he gazed upon the sleeping form of his child, that there was hope for him, hope for he, and his son… That all wounds would heal, whether they be on the surface, or deeper ones inside. They would get better, and everything would be okay.

But little did he know, as he watched Connor sleep, that somewhere in .L.A. a plane was landing, bringing with it a man bent on vengeance, or what he thought to be justice. Formulating a plan to get what he wanted…

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**A/N: More Spike in later chapters… Probably… I love him, but I don't know how well I do at writing him… So most likely not a lot of him…**


	5. Waiting

**I disclaimed it!!!!!!! See?!!! O.O**

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**A/N: Fifth chapter! Yay! I love Connor, but I think you all knew that already… O.O (pointless) sorry. Anyway… Something important happens here :} And just so you know… I know what I want to happen in the end, but pretty much everything before I'm making up as I go along… so, yeah… Just thought I'd let you know. **

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"I'm so happy 'cause today I found my friends, their in my head…

I'm so ugly, but that's okay, 'cause so are you, broke our mirrors.

Sunday morning is every day for all I care, and I'm not scared.

Light my candles in a daze 'cause I found god…"

-Lithium by Nirvana

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It had been three weeks since Connor first arrived at the Hyperion, and his nightmares although more frequent, were not quite as awful as they once were. He knew that he would wake up, and he would be safe. Safe with his father asleep beside him, ready and willing to comfort him when ever he needed it.

The nighttime, the darkness that once held such pain for Connor, now seemed to be bearable. He was content, he was almost happy, even. But never fully. For in the back of his mind a little voice kept warning him that all of this would soon end in an instant.

But for now, he wouldn't think about it, as he lied on the red couch in the foyer reading one of his favorite books. What he did think about however, was the fact that his father wasn't back yet from slaying a demon, and he should've been long ago. Connor sighed, he was beginning to worry. What if something bad happened? What if Angel got dusted? What would he do then? He'd be all alone… again. And he couldn't handle that… He wouldn't survive it.

Fighting to stay calm, he nervously gnawed on his bottom lip, trying to focus on his book, but failing miserably. Setting it aside, he sat up placing his face in his hands. He wanted Angel to come back already… Preferably unharmed. On top of all his anxiousness, and worrying, he remembered that he was there alone. Which normally wouldn't bother him, if he were back at his old house. He preferred being there alone, but here… Although he felt the safest, he was also a little frightened as well. This place was so huge, so big, and if Angel wasn't here then he thought something could jump out at him at any moment, there were just so many rooms for things to hide in.

Of course Connor could take care of himself, but just because he could didn't mean that he didn't get scared when he had to, he just hid it well.

Connor suddenly jerked his head up, hearing a noise. Then mentally kicked himself for being frightened, realizing it was only the phone ringing. Quickly walking over to the reception desk he answered it saying; "Hello, Angel Investigations. How can I help you?"

No one spoke.

"Hello?" Connor asked, but nothing was heard, only the rapid breathing of the person on the other end, completely unnerving Connor. Slamming the receiver back on the hook, he began taking small steps backwards. _Something's not right about this…_ He thought, still gazing at the phone, feeling very paranoid, peering over his shoulder at the entrance door, Connor jumped when the phone rang yet again. Staring wide-eyed at it, he slowly moved closer, deciding he needed to answer it incase it was a client this time.

Swallowing the lump in his throat he picked it up. "…Hello?"

"_Steven…_" Said the gruff voice on the phone.

Connor gasped, his grip severely tightening on the plastic piece in his hand. _No… No. No. No. No! It can't be…_

"I am _very_ disappointed in you Steven." Daniel said, his voice taking on that deadly tone it did, that was always followed by immense agony on Connor's part, and twisted joy on Daniel's. "You gave into temptation, you gave into the devil, and all his pretty colors. You went away with that monster, Steven…"

There was silence, until Connor whispered; "_He's not a monster…_" His voice faltering.

"You dare say that to me boy!" Came the harsh words. "He's a monster! A godless, unholy, filthy demon, that should have been delivered to hell long ago!"

"Your wrong!" Said Connor, feeling a pang of anger rise up in his chest, at hearing all the lies being spoken about his father. _No. _No one could _ever_ speak those lies about his father. Angel was a good man, and Daniel… He was the lowest form of human, if he could even be called 'human' after all the heinous acts he'd done to Connor. "Angel is a better man than you'll ever be!"

"Well… Now I know what I must do." Daniel said cryptically, venom in each word. "I'll be seeing you Steven." Then the line went dead.

Dropping the phone, Connor practically ran from the thing. Daniel was coming for him, he knew it, and he knew it wouldn't be to take him back. It would be to kill him. Daniel knew now that Connor didn't believe him, that he believed in Angel, and nothing would change that. Falling onto the coach, Connor pulled his knees to his chest, hugging himself tightly. What was he to do? Should he tell Angel? No… He couldn't, Angel would kill Daniel, and Connor couldn't let Angel do that for him. Couldn't let Angel bear the guilt of it, although… He doubted Angel would feel much remorse for what he thought was giving Daniel what he deserved… But Connor would, but maybe if he asked Angel not to, than he wouldn't harm the man… He didn't back in Utah so why should now be any different?…

"Uh… Kid?" Connor heard. "You okay?"

Connor whipped his head around, seeing Spike gazing at him with concern.

"_Wha_- Yeah, Yeah… I'm fine."

"Really? You don't seem like it." Spike said, plopping down next to the brooding boy. So much like his father… Spike thought idly. "You look like someone just murdered your puppy…"

"I… I'm just… having a bad day." Connor replied, not looking at the platinum blonde, instead keeping his eyes trained ahead.

"Hmmm… Right then…" A silence overtook the room, but was soon shattered as Spike said, the first thing popping into his mind. "Wanna go get pissed?"

Connor turned, gawking at him, stunned. "What?…"

"I think it's a pretty simple question really…"

"You know Angel will probably stake you if you get me drunk right?… And that's if your lucky…"

"Like you said, your having a bad day, why not let me help make it a little better?"

"_Well…_" Connor said dragging out the word. It's not like he hadn't drank before, and he really needed to escape the grim thoughts now plaguing his brain. "I… guess so…"

"Alright then," Spike said, standing. "Come on." Making his way into Angel's office, with a hesitant Connor following behind, he bent down rummaging through a cabinet, shouting a 'AHA!' once he found what he was looking for, a full bottle of whiskey.

Taking a seat behind the desk, Spike broke off the seal, and took a swig from the bottle. "Hey junior, grab those glasses over there, would ya." Spike said, indicating the two glasses sitting on a shelf. Nervously setting the glasses in front of the vampire, Connor sat on the edge of the desk, harshly biting into his lip.

"You've drank before right?…" Asked Spike, eyeing the boy's anxious demeanor.

"Wha-Yeah…" Connor nodded, watching as Spike poured the liquid into the cups.

"Well then," Spike said, raising his glass. "Bottoms up…"

Holding the glass in his hand, Connor swirled it around, peering at the contents, before bringing it to his lips and quickly downing it all.

"More?" Spike asked, surprised at the boy's eagerness.

Nodding once again, Connor repeated his earlier action, draining the glass, over, and over again, until he, and Spike had completely devoured the whole bottle.

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Half an hour later, Connor staggered out of the office with a semi-tipsy Spike closely behind.

Laughing for no real reason at all, Connor fell to floor. Rolling on his back he clutched at his stomach, still giggling like a maniac.

"Kid?… ya okay there?" Spike asked, now hovering over Connor.

"_Prsh…_" Connor waved him off, trying to sit up. "W-why isn't my dad back yet?…" Connor asked to no one in particular.

"The big poof is fine. Quit worrying." Spike assured, pulling out a cig, and lighting it up.

Looking over, Connor asked; "Can I bum a smoke?"

Giving Connor a strange look, Spike handed the one he lit over, sighing. "You know, your not half bad kid."

Taking a long drag, Connor replied; "You too…"

"I am curious though…" Spike said, thinking out loud.

" 'bout what?…"

"About what happened to ya back there… With 'him' I mean…"

"Oh…"

"Angel told me a lil bit 'bout what Holtz did to you, but… I think he didn't tell me everything, don't think _he _even knows everything… Am I right?"

"_Yeah…_" Connor whispered, suddenly feeling the downfall of alcohol. It always intensified his emotions whether they were good or bad, it did the same thing, without judgment.

"Ya wanna talk about it?…" Spike asked, sincerely.

"I…" Connor trailed off, shaking his head. "I… don't like to think about it…"

"I can understand that… I saw the damage he did the first night you came here… I'm shocked Angel didn't rip out the man's throat, as cliché as that sounds… He'd do anything for you, ya know…"

"I know…" Connor murmured, handing the cigarette back to Spike.

"Connor?" They both heard. Snapping his head up, Connor saw Angel standing in the entrance way. "Dad!" Connor said happily, relief flooding his whole body, at seeing his dad was okay.

"What are you doing?…" Angel asked, walking over.

Realizing he hadn't yet let go of the cig, Connor nervously said; "Ummm…" while releasing it.

Angel's eyes narrowed, glaring at Spike. He smelt alcohol, and not only did Spike reek of it, but Connor did as well. Bending down in front of his son, Angel peered into his bloodshot eyes. "Connor…" He said slowly. "Your drunk, son…"

Connor giggled. "_No… _well… not really…"

Angel rolled his eyes. Extending his hand he said; "Come on…"

Taking his father's hand he was yanked up, nearly falling back down. "Where we going?…" Connor inquired, trying and failing to walk on his own.

Catching him just before he hit the ground, Angel picked the inebriated boy up, one arm around his waist, the other under his knees, and began walking up the stairwell.

"Hey!" Connor said rather loudly. "Hey! I can walk on my own thank you very much!"

"I highly doubt that son." Angel said, then stopped just before reaching the top, turning to glare at Spike yet again, he said, dangerously; "I will deal with _you_ later Spike, and you had better hope to god that when I do it's not sunny outside." Making his way into his room, Angel laid his son on his huge bed.

"Dad, don't be mad at Spike, It's not his fault…"

Giving Connor one of his disbelieving looks, Angel said matter-of-factly; "Yes it is, he got you _drunk _Connor."

"_Noooo…_" Connor said, sitting up, "He _offered _to get me drunk, and I said _yes_… There's a difference… Besides I'm not even that drunk…"

Then at receiving a incredulous look from Angel, laughed, and said; "Okay… I'm completely shit faced…"

Shaking his head at his son, Angel sat down beside him. "Why did you do this Connor?"

"I was having a bad day…" He replied vaguely, with a shrug, staring down.

"I thought you liked it here?" Angel asked, hurt leaking into his words.

"I do! I promise I do!" Connor exclaimed, suddenly hugging his dad, not missing the pain that was in his voice. "I just got…" Connor trailed off, not sure what to say.

"You got what? What happened?" Angel questioned, holding his son tight.

"…_Scared._" Connor whispered, tears now stinging in his eyes.

"Why?…" But Connor didn't answer, instead trying to pull his father closer, longing for the comfort the vampire so willingly would give to him, even when he was angry with him.

"Are you mad at me?…"

"What! No!" Angel said quickly, pulling away, to look in his son's beautiful pools of blue. "I could never be mad at you, not directed at you at least."

"Promise?…" Connor asked, with a full blown pout gracing his features.

Angel smiled at this. "Always…" He muttered, pulling him close again.

"But… I need you tell me something, Connor." Angel said, seriously.

"Um… Okay…" Connor nodded, timidly.

"What has you so upset today?"

"I…I'm afraid to tell you…"

"Why, son?"

"I'm afraid you might kill him…" Connor whispered, the words out of his mouth before he realized what he was saying.

"_Him?…" _Angel asked, then suddenly understood who his boy was talking about. "Was he here today?" Angel urgently asked.

"N-no… He called here though, when I was here alone…" Connor stuttered, still fearful at the memory of the dreadful call, and what it meant.

"What did he say?"

"I… I don't remember…" Connor lied poorly, not wanting Angel to know of the threatening way Daniel had spoken to him, knowing full well that Angel would surely fly off the handle. He was very protective of him, Connor had noticed since being there with his dad.

"Connor, look at me!" Angel said, holding his son by the shoulders. "This is very important. _What did he say?_"

"He-he said awful things about you, and I-I told him that he was wrong… that you were a b-better man than he was… An-and he said that I had given into the devil, and he knew what he had to do now, and he'd be seeing me s-soon…" Connor sobbed, terrified of what was going to happen.

"_Shh… _It's okay…" Angel said, rubbing circles on the weeping boy's back, trying to calm him. "Everything will be okay. I'll take care of everything… I promise…" Determination shining in his brown orbs, Angel rocked his boy back and forth, until he slowly felt Connor's shaking subside, and heard his even breathing. Laying down with his sleeping son, Angel promised himself that he would do whatever it takes, at whatever the cost, to protect his miracle. He would kill, maim, torture, anything that _ever_ hurt his child the way Holtz did. And Holtz… He thought would pay greatly for what he had done, Angel would make sure of it…

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**A/N: Yeah… No real reason why I have 'Lithium' by Nirvana as the song lyrics at the top, except I listened to Nirvana the whole time I wrote this… Their awesome. Sad about Kirk Cobain though… He was one amazing dude...**


	6. Breathe

**Disclaim! Disclaim! Disclaim! Disclaim! Disclaim! Disclaim! Disclaim! Yup… I think you get the idea O.O**

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**A/N: I am rather excited about this chapter if I do say so myself… Sorry It took me longer than usual to update, I just got two new books and have been obsessively reading them. If you like 'Angel' then I recommend you read 'The Chronicles of Vladimir Tod' Series. It's both sweet, and gory, with some teen angst mixed in there as well :} Anyway… Read on!**

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"_Mhmm…_" Angel heard Connor, murmur, looking over his eyes were met by shameful pale blue, timidly peering at him.

Burrowing further within the duvet, Connor pulled the fluffy blanket over his head, desperately wanting to hide from his father, and everything that happened the day before. "_Connor…_" Connor heard, as he felt the bed shift, and Angel sit beside him. "Connor, I'm not mad at you." _No… But you should be…_ He thought, pulling the blanket tighter around him.

"You don't have to hide from me." Angel tried to coax the boy from under the blankets.

"_I'm not…_" Came Connor's muffled voice, sounding rather small and childish.

"Oh, really?" Angel challenged, his fingers itching towards the duvet. "Then you won't mind if I do this then." Pulling away the thing that was hiding his child from his eyes, he saw Connor frowning up at him. "_I'm sorry…_" Connor whispered, trying to grab the blanket away from his dad, but finally stopped, seeing it futile, for the vampire wasn't going to relent so easily.

"Connor…" Angel sighed, pushing the hair out of the boy's face. "I've told you, I'm not mad at you."

"I know…" Connor said, averting his gaze from the vampire. "But I am…"

"Why?…" Angel asked, to which Connor merely shrugged, now sitting up.

"Hey," Angel said, placing a hand under his son's chin, forcing him to meet his gaze. "Don't give me that. What's wrong?"

"I… I shouldn't have told you about the phone call…"

"Yes you should've, and I'm glad you did."

"But now… Your going to kill him aren't you?…"

"If it comes to that, then yes, I will for you."

"But I don't want you too…" Connor said weakly.

Sighing, Angel looked hard into his son's eyes and said; "I will do whatever it takes to protect you, but if you don't want me to harm him, then I won't unless necessary, okay?"

Connor nodded, running his hands through his hair. "_God… _My head is killing me…"

"Well, that's what you get for getting drunk." Angel said, but despite his words, gave him a sympathetic look.

"Yeah, yeah… I know… It didn't last nearly long enough anyway…"

It was silent, with Connor sitting, nervously fidgeting. Until Angel said seriously; "You can't be doing things like this Connor, you know that, don't you?"

"I know…" He whispered.

"Your fifteen, you shouldn't have to drown out your problems with alcohol."

Connor remained quiet at this.

"And you definitely should _not_ be smoking." Angel said sternly.

"_I know…_" Connor repeated.

"I'm worried about you… about what you might do when I'm not here."

Connor cringed at these words, he didn't want to worry Angel, he had enough to worry about with saving people everyday, he didn't need to concern himself with Connor all the time.

"I won't drink anymore or… smoke…" He said, looking Angel dead in the eyes. "I promise…"

Giving a small smile, Angel nodded, satisfied with Connor's promise.

"Uh… Dad?" Connor asked, a thought crossing his mind. "What did you do to Spike?…"

"That's not important right now…" Angel said vaguely, trying to change the subject.

"It kind of is, since I'm the one who got him in trouble…"

"No, you didn't. He was the one who got an underage kid drunk. It's not your fault."

Frustrated at his father's inability to acknowledge the fact that he actually might have done something wrong, Connor sighed, giving Angel _the look_. "What?" Angel asked, bewildered by his son's actions.

"I'm not perfect, dad… I make mistakes…"

"I know." Angel said, though in his eyes his son could do no wrong.

"_Do you?…_" Connor asked, "Because your blaming Spike entirely for something that is partly my fault. It's not like he forced the liquor down my throat, I accepted, and you know, sure he went about it the wrong way, but he was just trying to make me feel better…"

Looking irritated at the discussion of the younger vampire, Angel took a deep, and unnecessary breath. "I suppose your right…" he begrudgingly admitted.

Connor shook his head disbelievingly at his father's stubbornness. He really had no idea why Spike, and his dad didn't get along. They bickered a lot, like… brothers, in a way, he thought they were. They'd known each other for what? A hundred years? More? Less? He didn't know…

He liked Spike though, he was sort of nice in his own way, at least he was to Connor. And he didn't tip toe around the hard questions, and Connor admired that in him, although it could be annoying at times, it was what made Spike, Spike.

"But really, what _did _you do to him?" Connor asked, eyes pertaining curiosity.

"Nothing too bad, he'll be fine… Just a black eye."

Rolling his eyes, Connor decided he would apologize to Spike later. But now… All he wanted to do was nurse his headache, and fall back into a deep slumber like the one the alcohol had provided him with.

* * *

Nine days after Connor's hangover, all was quiet. There had been no more phone calls from Daniel, nor had he shown up at the hotel. For the moment everything was calm. Even Angel and Spike were fighting less. Although… That was partly due to the fact that Connor had deemed himself peace maker for the two. Spike had become an older brother to Connor. A weird, bleach blonde, irresponsible, somewhat of an alcoholic, loud, one hundred and then some year old, older brother.

And Angel… He was his father, and he had become very, very attached to his dad. He worried constantly about his dad slaying vampires and demons all the time. He finally asked the over-protective vampire to allow him to accompany him on patrolling. Angel reluctantly agreed, making Connor promise that if Angel told him to, he would run somewhere safe. Even though Connor promised, he knew that he would do no such thing if a problem came along.

Now walking side by side with his father down an alley way, Connor thought about all the days he'd spent in his new home so far. Everything was so different with Angel. So calm, so… _happy._ He couldn't believe that he actually felt happy. He never thought he would anywhere. Was told his whole life he didn't deserve to be. But he was, despite the fact that Daniel was still out there somewhere, plotting his revenge against Angel for murdering his family, and Connor for betraying him.

Shaking the thought from his head, he was about to ask Angel when they were heading back, when Angel abruptly stopped, yanking him to the side. He was going to ask what was wrong, but realized what it was when he sensed a presence near the alley. Another vampire was close by. Suddenly it dropped down from the roof landing in front of Angel, who was standing protectively in front of Connor, blocking him from the vampire's view.

It was a female, with long brown hair, bangs covering the demonic yellow eyes of her 'game face'. She wore dark wash blue jeans, black flats, and a purple tye-dye shirt.

"So it's true…" She whispered, more to herself than Angel. "The miracle child has returned… _I wonder what he tastes like…_"

Connor nearly jumped at the feral growl he heard coming from his father, he would hate to be on the receiving end of it.

"Do _not_ speak of my son that way!" Angel hissed, as the female vampire slowly moved forward. Morphing into his demonic face, Angel stepped forward as well, more than ready to stake this monstrous thing that spoke of his son as if he were merely someone's food source.

Rushing forward the vampire drop kicked Angel in the gut, but was quickly knocked to the ground when Connor stepped in, furious at this _thing_ that tried to hurt his father.

"Connor! I told you to stay back!" Angel scolded, throwing the vampire harshly against a brick wall. The vampire moaned in pain, her human face now intact.

"I'm aware, dad." Connor stated, throwing Angel a stake, which he caught perfectly.

Pushing the stake through the ribcage, and into the heart, the vampire burst to dust in Angel's hands.

"Well," Connor said, leaning himself against the wall, staring blankly at the ashes that now littered the ground. "That was… _creepy…_"

"I told you to stay back." Angel said, wearing a look a disapproval.

Crossing his arms, Connor returned the look just as well as his father. "I know."

"You promised."

Connor's stance faltered at this. He did. He knew he did. He didn't mean to break his promise. Didn't mean to upset his dad. But he did. He did it with good motives at heart, but he did it none the less. "_I… _I'm sorry… I just… I wanted to help…"

"I know you wanted to help, but next time I tell you to do something regarding your safety you need to do it, alright?"

Nodding silently, Connor pushed off the wall. "_Can we go home now?_" He quietly asked.

"Yes." Angel answered, then sensing the guilt overwhelming his son, grabbed him by the arm whirling him around to face him. "You know I'm not angry at you." He said gently, hugging his son to his chest.

Sighing deeply, Connor leaned into the touch. "_You never are…_" He whispered. Then pulled away, and began walking the direction to the hotel, Angel following closely behind.

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Rolling over on his stomach, Connor flipped through the channels on the TV his father recently bought him for his room. Nothing was on. It seemed nothing ever was. Switching off the television, he buried his face in his hands. He'd been completely on edge the past few days. He tried to hide his uneasiness whenever people were around him, especially Angel. But now… He was alone. Entirely alone in the Hyperion. Angel was out patrolling, Spike was out somewhere, probably drinking, Fred and Gunn were at their apartment, and Connor… Connor was afraid. He was stressing excessively about when Daniel would show up. _When._ Not _if._ He would, and he would soon.

What would he do when Daniel came for him? _Nothing._ That's what he always did. Nothing. He let that man torture him endlessly for countless days, months, and years. He could barely stand the thought that he once called _that_ man 'father'. He couldn't even begin to compare that man to his real father, _Angel._ He was his angel, he came and he rescued Connor from a man that brutalized him without mercy, Connor doubted if he had any at all. It all but disappeared the day Angelus massacred his loved ones. It was odd. Odd to think of Daniel actually loving anything, let alone a person. But Connor knew, he knew Daniel loved his real family, his _true_ family. Connor would never be Daniel's family, and now that he knew he had one of his own, one that cared about, and loved him, he didn't want to be.

Memories flooded Connor's brain, memories of horrid experiences growing up in a prison, a hell house. Flashes of countless lacerations, bruises, fractured, and broken bones, pink, and red scars that quickly faded without a trace, but always lingered long after they healed on his soul. Of being three years old, crying softly in the corner of his bedroom, still bleeding from the previous nights beating having passed out from several blows to his young, and tender head.

Feeling fresh tears sting in his eyes, Connor hid his face in his pillow, ashamed of his weakness, ashamed of the salty despair that relentlessly freed itself from the emotionally pent up chamber it was trapped in.

"You always were a weakling Steven."

Connor froze. His heart rate picked up, then felt like it surely stopped from the sheer shock of it all. He couldn't breathe, couldn't think straight. His thoughts were running wild with fear as he slowly sat up, then hurriedly jumped off the bed. _He found me…_ Were the only legible thoughts. "No…" He whispered, bleary eyes huge with total, and utter terror.

"Yes, Steven. I told you I would come." Daniel said, slowly stepping forward. And for each step he took, Connor took one back. "Did you think I was lying, Steven? Did you think that I wouldn't seek to give you what you deserved for abandoning me, and god for some filthy demon?"

"My name's not Steven." Connor said quietly, wishing his father were there.

"Ah, yes… Connor isn't it? The demon's come out of you, Steven's not there anymore, just the wickedness that always lurked within. I thought I could save you, redeem you of the sins of your… _father._ But I see now that it's impossible. There's only one thing that can ever do that, do you know what it is?" Daniel smiled, as Connor's back hit the wall. Placing his open palms against the cool surface, Connor's breathing became rapid.

_Death…_ Just like his dream, only… He wasn't dreaming anymore, his nightmare had come to life, full circle. And as Connor stood cornered in his room, his chest heaving almost desperately, the only thing he wished he would have done differently that morning, was when his father told him 'I love you' he wished more than anything, that he had said it back.

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**A/N: Yeah some people are probably a little pissed at me for ending the chapter like this… Sorry :/ It just felt like the right way to end it… But don't be too mad! I'm writing the next chapter as we speak!! Reviews make me happy :} -Allie **


	7. Snap

**Disclaimer: So… Can people really sue you just because you didn't put up a disclaim?… I mean… I think it's pretty obvious that I don't own it… And I would never claim to… Angel belongs to the brilliant and wonderful mind of Joss. Although… It's a little confusing how in one episode Connor's 16 then the next he's 18... I guess to make it less wrong that Cordy raped him… O.O**

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**Warning: Violence in this chapter…**

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**A/N: *sighs* poor Connor… Daniel just won't leave the poor baby alone… :/ Hope you enjoy this chapter :} I apologize for the shortness of it…**

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_"Here I stand empty hands. Wishing my wrists were bleeding, to stop the pain from the beatings." -Red Sam by Flyleaf_

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_Death… _

_No. I'm not ready yet… I didn't get to say goodbye… _Calming his ragged breathing Connor frantically tried to devise a plan to make it out alive. He could fight… But he was afraid, he had vampire strength yes, but in his mind Daniel would always be stronger. Or… He could run. He'd become quite good at that by now. Yes. He would try to run somewhere safe, track his father, _where it's safe._

Watching intently as Daniel slowly moved towards him, seizing the opportunity once he was a mere few feet away, Connor took off. "Come now Steven, lets not prolong the inevitable!" Connor heard Daniel call after him. Hurriedly racing down the stairs, taking them two at a time, he jumped the last four. Then completely stopped, shocked at what lay before him. His father, Angel, sprawled out on the lobby floor unconscious. "Dad!" He gasped out, rushing to his father's side. He checked for a pulse, but quit his efforts realizing that his father wouldn't have one regardless of his unconscious state.

What was wrong with him? He wasn't breathing, but wait… _Did he normally breathe?… _Connor wasn't sure. Kneeling over his dad, he tried to wake him up, but nothing worked. He shook him relentlessly but he wouldn't stir. "He won't wake, you know." Daniel said.

Tearing his eyes away from his father, Connor saw Daniel making his way down the stairs purposefully, calmly even. "What did you do to him?" Connor demanded, his eyes taking on a hard look.

"I merely drugged him… _for now…_" And Connor didn't miss the way he spoke, as if much worse things were to come. And he knew they would.

"_Why?"_

Daniel laughed. "You know why! Did he tell you what he did to my family?"

"He told me… But he was different then." Connor insisted.

"Was he? I don't think so. He has a soul yes, but that alone is not punishment enough for what he did to me. So," Daniel went on, coming to a stop on the last step. "I had to make him suffer the way I had. I had to take you, to train you, make you into a weapon against him, but he found you, and turned you against _me._"Daniel sighed. "I always knew he would, deep down you were always his son, a demon in a fragile form."

"You don't know what your talking about!" Connor said, now standing protectively in front of his father. "Your insane! Your deranged with a thirst for vengeance!"

"No… For _justice!_"

"_This… _this isn't justice… Taking me from a father who loved me, that, that wasn't justice… That was revenge… and that's all you live for. That's all you have… is revenge…"

"Maybe your right Steven, but if this is truly all I have to live for then… I surely need to follow through, don't I?"

Fear still plaguing his entire being, the full extent of Daniel's words sunk in.

"_What are you going to do?_" Connor whispered in a quivering voice.

"Oh," Daniel said smiling. "You'll soon know."

Frozen to his spot, Connor watched in agonized terror as Daniel walked towards him, a wicked gleam shining in his hollow eyes. Pulling out a dagger, Daniel came to a halt in front of him. "Do you know what happens now, Steven?"

Shutting his eyes tight, Connor turned his head to the side, bracing himself for the pain. He didn't have to wait long. Feeling a sharp, and burning sensation in his abdomen. Gasping, Connor opened his eyes, looking down he saw the hilt of the dagger sticking out of his stomach. "Don't worry," Daniel said, his twisted smile never leaving his face. "I avoided all your vital organs. I have much more in store for you before you die."

Pushing Connor to the side, Daniel bent over Angel, pure hate burning in his black orbs. That's one thing Connor always noticed, when Daniel morphed into this hate filled thing, or let his façade slip, his eyes… They changed. They changed into the darkest color he'd ever seen in his life. And Connor had always wondered what made Daniel this way. And even though he knew now, as he watched this man stand over his father he felt no pity for him. He couldn't feel pity for someone who allowed hate to rule his life. _It wasn't right. _And Connor wouldn't- no _couldn't_ understand it.

Dropping to his knees, Connor gingerly pulled the dagger out, staring wide-eyed at all the blood pouring from his open wound. Shuddering, he recalled being in this same condition when he was thirteen. It was the one time he thought he might actually die because of what Daniel did. Transfixed by the deep crimson now staining the blade, and the lobby floor, he began to feel numb. He was numb, and he was cold, and he welcomed it, because anything was better than the intense pain he felt, the hole in his stomach couldn't even compare to the gaping hole inside his chest.

_"Connor…"_ He heard Angel groggily moan. Snapping his head up, he saw Daniel looming over his father, a pointed stake carefully aimed over Angel's unbeating heart. _No! Not him! He can't… NO! _Heart racing like it'd been dead for years, and just now came back to life, he gripped the now wet, and sticky dagger in his trembling pale hands, and silently crept towards where his dad lie completely helpless on the floor.

Body still trembling, Connor raised the dagger high, swiftly bringing it down, he buried it in Daniel's back. He heard Daniel gasp. As Daniel fell to the side Connor pulled the blade from his back, only to stab him once more. _"Steven!"_ Daniel rasped, as Connor brought the blade down again, and again, and again, until his energy was spent, and his numbness began to fade.

Letting the dagger slip from his now bloodied hands, he vaguely heard it drop to the floor with a loud clatter. Connor felt as if he were awakening from a deep stupor. The fog was slowly lifted. Connor gazed around the room, eyes landing on Daniel lying in a pool of his own blood, then to Angel slowly, but surely stirring in his drug induced sleep.

The realization hitting Connor like a sucker punch to the gut, he toppled over, sobs racking his body. _"I didn't mean to…"_ He cried, an endless supply of tears spilling from his guilt ridden eyes.

"Shh…" He heard, then felt strong arms wrap around him, and lift him off of the cold floor.

_"Dad?..." _He said, his voice cracking. "I-I didn't mean it! I-I-" But Angel cut him off hugging him tightly. "You did what you had to." Angel said softly.

Burying his face in Angel's jacket he tried to calm himself. Tried to stop the tears, tried to keep his body from trembling so violently. But gave up realizing that he didn't deserve to stop weeping, didn't deserve to stop shaking from trauma. He didn't deserve _anything… _Except maybe death… He'd killed a man… More than that he'd killed the man who raised him his whole life. That night in the only real home he'd ever known, he became a murderer. How could he live with himself? He knew he wouldn't be able to, as his body went limp, and he let unconsciousness take him under, cradled lovingly in the arms of his father, who peered down at him with deep concern etched on his immortal young face, that was somehow so very old.

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_Connor walked silently across the foyer of the Hyperion Hotel, the soles of his shoes sticking to the floor with each step he took. But still… He walked, and he walked, but every step brought him to the same place he stood before he started. Standing over Daniel with a bloodied knife clutched in his hand. And beside Daniel lay the dead pile of ashes where his father once was. Falling to the floor, he lied beside the ashes, tears streaming down his face, and dropping onto the pile, smearing the ashes across the bloodied, and now tearstained floor. _

__

"Dad…" He cried. "I'm so sorry… I'm so, so sorry…" Body shaking with grief, Connor gripped the knife tighter in his hand, and shakily plunged it through his own chest, longing to be wherever his father was…

* * *

"DAD!!" Connor screamed hysterically, sitting up in bed. "Dad!" He yelled somewhat quieter, once he felt the tight embrace of his father. "I dreamed you were dead…" Connor whispered, gripping his father almost painfully.

"I'm right here…" Angel said, glad his son was finally awake.

"We're at the hotel?" Connor said, more of a statement than a question, as he gazed around the room, realizing it was Angel's.

"Yes." Angel nodded, but refused to let go of his son, even as the boy tried to pull away slightly.

"Well… Shouldn't I be at a hospital? I mean… I was _stabbed… _And your always so eager to take me there…"

"You were, but your wound started healing, so as soon as they treated you, Gunn and I snuck you out." Angel explained, pushing his son's dirty hair out of his face. "Connor, you've been asleep for three days…"

"…Oh." Connor said weakly. His thoughts straying to the heinous act he'd committed only a few days earlier.

"Are you okay?" Angel asked, seeing the boy begin to retreat within himself, completely terrifying Angel in the process.

_"I'm a murderer..."_ Connor managed to choke out, gripping on to his father for dear life.

"No! No Connor your not!" Angel insisted. "_He_ came after _you, __he_ put _you _in danger, this wasn't your fault! It's his! He brought this on himself!"

"But… I…" Connor tried to speak, but couldn't even form a full sentence he was so distraught. Abandoning his efforts he merely sobbed harder, ignoring the harsh, and sudden pain in his stomach.

Gripping his child as hard as he could without hurting the boy, Angel desperately rocked him back and forth, trying to calm him, willing to do anything he could to make it better, make it alright… But how could he? He knew the pain, the guilt of taking a life. He never wanted his child to feel this way, never wanted him to hurt, if he could he would take all the hurt Connor felt, and bear it all himself.

"I wish I could make it stop hurting, Connor…" Angel whispered. "I wish I could make it all go away… Erase the past, and make sure that he never got to you… never did _this_ to you…"

The only response Angel got from Connor, was that of his son snuggle closer to him, and a small whimper between sobs, if that was possible, and it appeared that it was.

Hands fisted in Angel's shirt, Connor longed for Angel's words to come true. But he knew they never would. He wanted more than anything to forget all the awful things that were done to him, forget the awful things he was forced to do as well… Forget the loneliness that always found a home inside of his heart. Forget the death that was delivered by his very own hands.

_Hands…_ His murderous hands… He took the life of the man that cared for him his whole fifteen years of life… _But did he ever really care about you?…_ Said a voice in his head._ No… He didn't._ Daniel didn't love Connor, Connor knew this, felt it… Had always known it was true, but had always hoped that he could change it. Could make his surrogate father proud of him, and then he would love him for it.

_But still…_

Daniel deserved a lot of things, but Daniel did not deserve to die…

And Connor thought that maybe… _Maybe…_ if he would have tried harder, he could have talked Daniel out of his horrid plan. It was wistful thinking, and Connor knew it wasn't true, that nothing could be rid Daniel of his thirst for vengeance, for blood. For his _father's_ blood… And ultimately that's why he did it. He had to save his father. Angel would surely be dead if it wasn't for Connor. Connor didn't care what happened to himself, he didn't matter. But Angel did. He would do anything for his father, just as he knew Angel would do anything for him.

_"You did what you had to." _Angel's words from that night came crashing into his head. He did. He knew he had to do it, that Daniel would never have given up, but just because he had to do it didn't mean he wouldn't regret it every_ single _day for the rest of his life…

That nightmares of Daniel's dead corpse, and Angel's ashes wouldn't haunt him every time he closed his eyes.

And as he sat there, crying, and desperate for the comfort of his father he realized something… He wasn't grieving over the loss of his adoptive father Daniel… He never wanted to kill him, but… Was he truly sorry that he was dead? _Yes._ He was. But what was making his heartache more than anything was the fact that he almost lost his true father… And that… That scared him more than anything Daniel had ever done to him. That's what pulled the trigger in his mind. That's what made him… _Snap… _

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**A/N: I like this chapter… maybe? I don't know, I'm undecided about it… And just because Holtz is dead doesn't mean the story is over ;} Not just yet anyways…**


	8. Forget

**A/N: Okay so really… this is just a filler chapter. Nothing real important happens here. I think I might start writing the sequel to 'Monsoon' but I'll still be writing this one. I think I'll only have a few more chapters until this story's finished, but I don't know… we'll see how it works out :}**

* * *

"How is he?" Asked Gunn, as he watched Fred busying herself behind the counter, which he knew meant she was trying to take her mind off of the events that occurred not five days ago.

"He's… not as bad as he was before…" Angel replied, referring to Connor, who now lay sound asleep upstairs still in his father's bed, only leaving for bathroom breaks, and to bathe, since Angel brought all of his meals up to him.

"Well that's real encouraging…" Gunn said sarcastically.

"He killed a man, Gunn. God knows Holtz deserved it, but still… Connor never wanted anything to happen to him, let alone be the one who took the man's life." Angel said, shooting Gunn a glare for good measure, which he shifted nervously under.

"Hey," Gunn defended. "I'm just saying, he hasn't left that room since he woke up. You know that might be a problem before long."

To which Angel replied with another death glare.

"Okay, okay!" Gunn said relenting. "I get it! Just stop with the look."

"Charles, you should be more sympathetic towards Connor. The poor thing's been through enough as it is, he doesn't need you going around telling people how he should react to what happened…" Fred interjected, a small frown on her face.

"Okay," Gunn said, leaning over and placing a kiss on atop her head. "Your right. I'll try."

"Good," Said a voice from behind. Turning around, Angel saw it was Spike, who he left upstairs watching over Connor. "Because if you say something to him, and he freaks out even more, captain forehead won't be the only pissed vamp you've got to worry 'bout."

"_Spike,_" Angel said, eyes narrowed. "Your supposed to be watching Connor."

"Relax daddy dearest, don't get your knickers in a twist. Junior just woke up, wanted a glass of water is all."

Gaze softening, Angel nodded. "Okay. I'll get it for him." Although Spike still annoyed the hell out of him, Angel knew he cared about Connor, and for that he was grateful.

After filling up a tall glass full of water, Angel stopped mid way up the stairs. Turning to look at Spike he said; "And Spike,"

The blonde vamp's head shot up, his look suspicious, but intrigued. "Yeah?…"

"Thanks…" Angel said softly, before disappearing in the hallway.

"No problem…" Spike whispered, stunned at the words that just came out of his grandsire's mouth.

* * *

"I have to leave, don't I?" Connor asked, as Angel walked in the room, making his dad nearly drop the glass in his hand, water sloshed over the rim, as Angel's eyes went wide and he uttered a shocked; "What?"

"I have to leave soon, the _room_ I mean…" Connor clarified, eyes apologetic at seeing the look of dismay that crossed his father's features.

"Oh… that…" Angel said, placing the glass on the nightstand. Taking a seat next to his son, he sighed. "You don't have to until you feel ready."

"But… how do I know when I'm ready?…" Connor queried, head tilted to the side.

"If you have to ask me that question, then your not…" Angel said simply, a frown forming on his lips as he gazed down at the exhausted looking boy, who now looked paler than he had when he first came to the hotel.

With heavy dark circles underneath his icy blue eyes, his hair disheveled, Connor knew he looked awful. _Hell… _He felt awful. And he knew his father could tell, as he felt the vampire's brown orbs boring into him, making him feel nervous. Shifting uncomfortably, he sighed. Lying back down Connor shut his eyes tight. He didn't want to leave the room yet. His father's room. He hadn't been in his own room since it all happened, hadn't worked up the nerve to yet. Right now he decided, he would just have to try and forget.

_Forget…_ Could he truly forget? As the days went by he mourned for Daniel, but Connor decided it was time that he stopped. Angel was right. Daniel brought what happened to him on himself. And Connor knew he had to get past this. And even though everyone said he would, Connor wasn't so sure. But what he did know with out a shadow of a doubt was that he wanted to.

And he knew, if he could go back in time and do it over… He would do it again, a hundred times more if every time he did it, it saved his father.

Opening his eyes, he found himself staring into that of Angel's, who peered down at him worry evident on his face. "Dad…" Connor said meekly.

"Yes?"

"I'm not ready yet…"

"I know son, I know…"

* * *

"That's it kid! Get up!" Spike said, yanking Connor by the arm into a standing position.

"What!" Connor was barely able to say, as he was forcibly dragged out of his dad's room, then down the stairwell protesting relentlessly the whole way.

"It has been two months! TWO BLOODY MONTHS! Since you've been outta that damn room, and ya know what? We're going out, whether you like it or not!"

"What! No! Spike! I really, _really_ don't feel like it, please…" He said, putting on his best puppy pout, pale eyes feigning innocence perfectly.

"Nope." Spike said flatly. "Not gonna work. That look may work on the poof, but uncle Spike's not so easily manipulated."

Growling to himself, Connor mumbled; "I thought I was _your_ uncle…"

Smirking Spike said; "That you are."

* * *

"Spike," Connor said, scowl still fully intact on his face, and it had been ever since they first arrived at the mall. "I want to go _home_." Arms crossed over his chest, he leaned against a wall, watching as Spike filtered through random articles of clothing inside of a Urban Outfitters store.

"Nope." Was the vampire's short, and stern reply, as he threw a shirt at Connor, which he let fall to the floor, landing at his converse clad feet. "I'm not trying anything on." Connor said, voice quiet.

"You don't have to try it on, but I think you should get it, it suits you…" Said Spike fighting back a smirk.

Picking up the black tee, Connor rolled his eyes. On the shirt read; 'This shirt is black, like my soul.'

"Ha-ha_…_" Connor said, annoyed. _He would know about black souls…_ Connor thought, glaring at the poor defenseless shirt, that would have surely burst into flames under his intense gaze, had Spike not nabbed it from him, tossing it back on the rack.

"Fine." Spike said, a disappointed look on his face. "Lets go."

"We're going home?" Connor asked hopeful.

"No… we'll… well… what do you _want_ to do?"

"Go home." Connor said flatly.

Spike sighed. "Besides that!"

"I… I don't know…" He said, as he was pushed out of the store. Looking across the mall he spotted a book shop. Shrugging off the vampire's touch, he made his way inside.

"Oy! Where you goin'?" Spike called after him, quickly following him into the store.

Rolling his eyes at the bleach blonde, Connor found himself in the poetry section. Grazing his fingertips across the bindings of each book, they stopped once his eyes spotted something he recognized. 'The Complete Tales & Poems of Edgar Allan Poe'.

Pulling out the thick leather bound book, he flipped through the pages until he found what he was looking for.

"_Alone." _

_From childhood's hour I have not been_

_As others were- I have not seen_

_As others saw- I could not bring_

_My passions from a common spring._

_From the same source I have not taken_

_My sorrow; I could not awaken_

_My heart to joy at the same tone;_

_And all I lov'd- I lov'd alone._

_Then- in my childhood- in the dawn_

_Of a most stormy life- was drawn_

_From ev'ry depth of good and ill_

_The mystery which binds me still:_

_From the torrent, or the fountain,_

_From the red cliff of the mountain,_

_From the sun that 'round me roll'd_

_In its autumn tint of gold-_

_From the lightning in the sky_

_As it pass'd me flying by-_

_From the thunder and the storm,_

_And the cloud that took the form_

_(When the rest of Heaven was blue)_

_Of a demon in my view. _

"Ah, Edgar Allan Poe. He was always a disturbed sort of fellow… didn't take you for the type that liked poetry…" Connor heard Spike say, as he reread through the poem. It was always his favorite. He discovered the writings of Mr. Edgar Allan Poe one day when he snuck out to the library. He never could get a library card, so every time he went there, he would always make sure he read some sort of poetry, he really loved it, even started writing some himself. _Not that they're any good…_ He thought idly.

_Wait…_ "Did you actually _know_ Edgar Allan Poe?" Connor asked, wide-eyed.

"Somewhat… I used to fancy myself a poet back then, and met him at a pub once… he gave me a few pointers…" Spike said nonchalantly.

Connor merely stared at him, mouth slightly agape.

"What?"

"That's… pretty amazing Spike…" Connor finally said.

"I guess so…" Spike shrugged, then taking the book from Connor's hands, walked out of the aisle.

"What are you doing?" Connor asked, behind him.

"Well, I thought I'd get you this book."

"Oh… you don't have to do that."

"No it's fine." Spike said, pulling out a credit card as he approached the cashier.

After watching the man behind the counter bag the book, and then hand Spike back the card, it was then that Connor noticed it. "Is that my dad's credit card?" He asked a horrified look on his face.

"…Maybe." Spike replied.

"Spike! You can't just take his card! I mean don't you think he's gonna miss that?" Connor said, struggling to keep pace with the vampire.

"It's fine!" Spike assured.

"He's gonna be so mad…" Connor groaned. He was worrying his dad so much lately, he didn't need him thinking that Spike was a bad influence on him. The man already got him drunk! And Angel nearly kicked the crap out of Spike for it! What would he do this time?

"Okay…" Connor said, trying to formulate a plan. "_…Okay. _We'll tell him that I took it, that way he won't decapitate you…" Connor nodded to himself, seemingly satisfied with this idea.

"Hell no!" Spike exclaimed, as they walked the way towards the car. "I won't have you getting into trouble over it. Besides, he'd know you were lying." Spike pointed out.

Silently gnawing on his bottom lip, Connor nodded again. He knew it was true, his dad didn't believe anything he did was wrong. Hell, he'd killed a man, and Angel actually had it covered up, and cleaned up! Connor wasn't entirely sure how… Something about knowing someone who had connections to Walfram and Hart. _Wesley… _Connor thought his name was.

"Alright… just don't say anything well… stupid. I'll try to keep him at the bare minimum of yelling, that I can."

Reluctantly, Spike agreed, as they hopped in the car, and drove the way back home.

* * *

"Dad… please don't be mad at Spike…" Connor pleaded, as he watched his father pace back and forth in front of his bed.

"I don't know whether to be angry… or grateful…" Angel finally admitted after several long minutes of silence, pacing coming to a stop, as he sat on the bed.

"What do you mean?…" Connor asked, confused.

"I should be furious at him, not only for stealing my credit card, but for taking you out without letting me know where you were, and when you would be back."

"So… why aren't you?"

"Because… he was able to get you to do something even I couldn't…"

"What's that?"

"Get you to leave the room… leave the house… do something other than lay in bed all day."

"Oh… well you should know, I didn't go with him voluntary so much as he kinda kidnapped me…"

Shaking his head, Angel sighed deeply. Laying back on the bed he said; "I wish you would talk to me about things Connor…"

"Things like what?" Connor asked, feeling a pang of nervousness strike him down like lightning.

"Like… why you've been locking yourself away in my room for these past couple of months."

"That?… I… I just… I've been dealing with things, you know? And I don't know if I'm ready to talk about what happened yet…"

"I'm not saying you have to talk about it now… I just want you to know that, when you are ready… I'll be here."

"You always are…" Connor whispered, as he lied out on his back.

Angel was always there for Connor, and he couldn't even tell him when things were bothering him. And really, that's all Angel asked of Connor. That he simply talk to Angel, and let him help. And it seemed he couldn't even get that right, as he rolled over on his side intently contemplating the blue of the walls.

**

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**A/N: Yeah I actually saw a shirt one day that said 'this shirt is black like my soul'. Weird right? I wouldn't say I have a black soul, so much as just a morbid one. O.O Anyway… R&R if ya wanna :}**


	9. Confession

**DISCLAIM!!!!! O.O**

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**A/N: I just read one of the most amazing books! I raided my sister's book shelf and found a book called "Hush, Hush" by Becca Fitzpatrick. It. Was. Wonderful! If you like fantasy than you must read it! It's very dark with a lot of romance, and some humor thrown in there as well :} I read it all in a day and half! Anywho… Read on! Hope you like the update! ^-^**

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_What is my problem! Why can't I just do it, damn it! _Connor thought as he sat on a step on the second flight of stairs, gazing down intently at the hotel lobby. He knew why he couldn't do it. Why he couldn't set foot on the lobby foyer. Well, he couldn't alone at any rate. He was still scared, still not ready to face what he did yet. He came out of Angel's room more than he used to, but he never voluntarily went down there, was mostly forced to for food, or when Spike wanted to play the X-box with him. And Spike did quite often, although it did get a little frustrating when he would lose and threw the controller at the TV, or get up and start shaking it… _Like it's the TV's fault that he sucks at video games… _Though Connor knew that he wasn't the greatest at them either, but at least he knew how to suck gracefully.

Taking a deep breath, he stood. He could do this, it wasn't that hard. Just one foot in front of the other. But he was still. _I need to do this…_ He told himself. _So then why don't I just get it over with already?_ He wasn't sure. Finally, he began taking small timid steps down the stairs. Stopping just short of the last one. He couldn't do it. He wasn't ready. Was he? He didn't know anymore. Taking a seat on the third step, he buried his face in his hands.

"_God! I'm so weak…_" He murmured to himself, voice muffled.

"No, your not."

Jerking his head up, Connor saw his father staring down at him.

"How long have you been there?"

"Not long…" But Connor could tell by the way he said it, that Angel had in fact been there the entire time.

Silence ensued as Connor hid his face once again, feeling not only like he failed, but like he let Angel down as well. He couldn't do the simplest thing. Couldn't do anything on his own. What was wrong with him? Since when had he ever been so dependant on someone before? He never was. Until now… Now he had a home, he had a family… Maybe Daniel was right, maybe that made him weak. Although he didn't need any help in that forte, maybe he was getting worse, and not better.

"Connor," Angel said, taking a seat on the steps. "Your not weak. I don't want you to ever think that you are."

"Yes I am." Connor said quietly, not wanting to disturb the soft surroundings, that was now the Hyperion hotel.

"No, your not."

"Honestly dad, how would you know?"

"What?"

"You don't think that anything I do is ever wrong… you think I'm perfect, you think I'm this strong person who survived years of childhood abuse, and trauma, when really… really I-I… I fake it… I fake it all… I pretend that I'm okay… I pretend I feel fine, I pretend that nothing in this world can bother me, when really I'm breaking on the inside. I'm breaking, and shaking, and falling to pieces, little hollow pieces that I suppose could possibly fit back together, but have no idea how or when… or why… why this all happened, and what I ever did to deserve it…"

"You don't deserve it, any of it." Angel said, forcefully. "You never did. And don't let anyone including yourself convince you otherwise."

A little taken aback by his father's words, though he didn't expect anything less from the man that seemed to be completely blind to any flaw that his son possessed, he lifted his gaze momentarily from his hands to that of chocolate brown eyes. Quickly looking away, he took in a shaky breath, standing he slowly walked to the middle of the lobby floor, body rigid, he said softly, voice full of promise; "I'll try…"

And really, that's all he could do, was try. And he knew he would, but his mind wondered if he could ever succeed. His heart felt that maybe he could, but his mind always seemed to outweigh his heart, and he thought that maybe it was time to change that.

* * *

"What to do…" Connor muttered absent mindedly to the badge walls. Angel was out patrolling, no longer allowing Connor to tag along for various reasons. Fred and Gunn were at their home, surely fast asleep by now. And god only knew where Spike could possibly be. It was late, but Connor wasn't tired. He'd been sleeping all day. Pushing himself off of his father's king sized mattress, he idly wandered around the room, looking at random things on dressers, and shelves. Although he'd grown accustom to his father's room, even more so than his own, he hadn't yet discovered everything about it.

He was never the snooping type, but tonight he felt something inside of him, something that said he needed to find something, and that whatever it was, it would be in this room.

Opening up a few drawers, he saw nothing but his father's clothes, mostly made up of black. _That explains a lot…_ He thought. He now knew where his favorite color had come from. After checking the dressers, and nightstand beside the bed and finding nothing, he finally came to the desk by the window. Sliding the drawer open, he saw something that caught his eye. A leather bound journal. Picking it up he debated whether or not he should look inside. If he did it would be invading his dad's privacy, but if he didn't… He felt like he would surely be missing out on something that he both needed, and wanted desperately to find out.

Finally giving in to his curiosity, he flipped it open. It was mostly just filled with sketches, all very accurate in Connor's opinion. Some were of landscapes, of what Connor assumed was the place in Ireland where Angel used to live. Other's were of a very beautiful woman with short hair, a name was written in the corner of the page, it read; 'Cordy'. He heard about her from Spike. He mentioned that her and his father were almost involved once.

_Almost._ He said that she left him for another man. But that it was better that she left him sooner rather than later, before she hurt Angel even worse, and apparently according to Spike she would have, he said that she was shallow, and very materialistic, and wouldn't be happen unless she had all the things she wanted in life, and that Angel couldn't give them to her.

Turning the page he saw another picture of a woman, only with this one, he felt drawn. He felt like he knew her, only he knew that, that was impossible he never met her before. She had beautiful long blonde hair, strikingly beautiful facial features, and what stunned him the most was her brilliant pale blue eyes. So much like his own. His own? How could that be? Flipping through more pages, he saw more drawings of this woman, but one in particular stood out. She was standing sideways, pregnant stomach in full view, she was staring down with a look of what could only be described as adoration on her face, and seemed to be lovingly caressing her stomach.

Letting his fingertips lightly graze the page, he noticed a name scrawled in tiny print in between his middle and forefinger. _Darla…_

_Wait… No…_ _Is that… Is that my… _"Mom…" He whispered.

"What you got there?" Connor heard someone say. He knew it was Spike by the thick British accent.

"I… think I found a picture of my mom…" He all but whispered.

"Darla? Let me see." Coming to a stand still beside Connor, Spike gave the drawing a once over. "That's her alright. You know you have her eyes… you got a lot of her features actually."

"Yeah… I guess…"

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing… I'm fine."

"Your not. I can see it in your eyes, now what's wrong?"

"It's just… I wish I could've known her…" Connor confessed, after countless minutes of silence. "Did you?… Know her I mean…"

"That I did." Spike said, sitting on top of the old mahogany desk.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Shoot."

"I mean… I know she was evil and everything, but… what was she like?" Connor asked timidly, eyes downcast towards the journal in his hand.

"Hmmm… she was, well… I'm not sure what to tell you kid." But then at seeing the look of disappointment on Connor's young face he quickly forgot all displeasure he felt towards Darla. "She was… artistic." Connor lifted his head, eyes holding a light that hadn't been seen there in quite awhile. "She loved the arts… we used to break into museums late at night. Her favorite painter, if I recall correctly was Monet."

"Really?"

Spike nodded. "Stole one of his paintings once. I think she still had it stashed somewhere before she… uh… moved on…" Spike said, for lack of a better word.

"Oh…"

"She's the one that sired your father, you know."

"Yeah he mentioned that before… but he doesn't really like to talk about her…"

"I'm sure if you asked him he'd tell you anything you wanted to know."

"I suppose so, it's just… I figure there's got to be a reason why he never talks about her. And I don't want to make him mad."

At this Spike laughed. "You couldn't make him mad at you if you staked him through his bloody unbeating heart!"

"I know, but we haven't been talking very much lately… we talk, but it's always about common things, never important, and I know that it's my fault, but I'm not sure how to change it…" The spark that had been in Connor's eyes not moments ago, had since disappeared, and was replaced with a secret pain that he tried endlessly to hide.

Spike gaze was laced with concern, as he said; "No one blames you for not wanting to talk about it… Hell, if it were me I wouldn't want to either, and I'm sure your father feels the same way. And I'm sure he knows that when you are, you'll talk to him."

Connor sighed. "It's not just… _that night_ that I need to tell him about. There are so many other things that happened that he has no idea about…"

"I figured as much… but look, you shouldn't worry about it too much, everything will work out, alright?"

Nodding, Connor flipped through more pages, barely paying any attention to what he was looking at. He got towards the end of the journal with only twenty or so pages left, when he saw a sketch of himself. The drawing was black and white, everything except for his eyes. Strikingly blue, just like his mother's…

Seeing that the boy needed to be alone, Spike patted Connor lightly on the shoulder, and silently exited the room.

Turning the page yet again, a picture fell out from between them. It was the one his father showed him when he found him. How did everything go so wrong? He desperately wanted to know. No. He _needed _to know. He could wish, and he could pray, but nothing was going to turn back time, nothing was going to erase the memory of that man. The man with the cold dead eyes. Eyes that held such venom, and contempt. Nothing would erase the memories of crying himself to sleep, of bleeding until he passed out from all the blood loss, of the training room… His body gave a harsh shudder at the thought of it.

It was always worse in the training room. There were so many weapons down there. So many methods of torture for Daniel to inflict on Connor's always aching body.

"Connor?" Connor heard, it was the voice of his father.

"Yeah?"

"Are you crying?" Angel asked, quickly making his way over to his son.

Connor shook his head, but as he did a few tears dropped onto the photo in his hand.

"What happened? Did Spike do something to upset you? I saw him come out of here. I'll kill him if-"

"Dad, no…" Connor cut him off. "I've just been thinking… well, that's all I seem to be doing lately, is thinking…"

"About what?…"

"_I'm ashamed…_" Connor said barely audible.

"Of what? What happened?" Angel asked, now frantic.

"Of the past… of what he did… that I let him do it… do everything over, and over again… that I believed you didn't love me…"

His eyes were running like waterfalls, but Connor didn't care, he had finally come to a decision. He was going to tell Angel what happened. He was going to tell him _everything…_

"Dad… I'm ready to tell you what happened to me now…"

"Are you sure? You don't have to if your not." Angel assured.

"No, I'm sure… I can finally face it now…"

Connor took in several ragged breaths. His heartbeat erratic, his eyes still wet, he said;

"It started when I was three…"

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**A/N: Am I evil for ending the chapter this way? Probably so… The next one will probably be the last, but hey you never know. I'm currently in the process of writing the sequel to 'Monsoon'. Be on the look out for it, it'll be called 'Humanoid'. Also… Two people wanted a Spike/Connor/Darla moment, so here you go! I hope it's okay... **


	10. Of telling, and relief

**DISCLAIM!!!!!!!!!!**

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**A/N: The final chapter O.O I'd like to thank everyone who read, and reviewed! It makes me happy! And also, thanks to Touch Of The Wind who gave very helpful tips ^-^ I appreciate it! **

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"_It started when I was three…"_

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The first sentence came out easy, but the hard part had only just begun. Connor let his words hang in air, trying to work up the nerve to continue, finally he did.

"He had never done anything like that before… I never expected him too… didn't really think him c-capable of it, but… I was wrong. I was playing outside, and I fell on the concrete and scraped up my arm pretty bad… I came inside and showed him, and as he was looking at it, it started to heal…"

Connor stopped, his voice faltering, his hands sweaty as he gripped his legs almost painfully so. Suddenly he felt a strong arm around his shoulder, and he knew that he was able to speak.

"He got so angry… I'd never seen such hate. His eyes, they changed. He suddenly th-threw me against a wall… I didn't know what to think… I was just so scared… I tried to hide myself in the corner, but that only made him madder. He kicked me so many times… I don't even think I could count… He picked me up again, and just kept s-slamming my head against the wall… I remember crying, and asking him why he was doing this… he called me all these names… said I was impure, I was evil, that I was a demon, and I deserved worse than what he did to me… finally after what felt like hours, he walked away… I ran up to my room, and cried until I-I passed out from all the blows I took…"

Connor's body began shaking as he recalled that night, though it wasn't the worst one, it would always hold a agonizing place in his memory, for it was the night his whole world turned upside down.

"It's okay…" Angel soothed, holding Connor tightly, trying to calm his trembling body.

Sniffling, Connor nodded, and continued.

"After that e-everything changed… He would look down on me with such rage in his eyes… and the beatings became more frequent, more _painful… _Then one day when I was five he took me to the training room…" At this Connor's body gave a violent shudder, and his face paled, as a memory flooded his brain, though he tried to push it back, it forced its way in. "Everything got w-worse…"

* * *

"_Father, where are we going?" Connor asked, his frail little body being tugged along the house by the hand of a man who called himself father._

"_Quiet Steven." Daniel said eerily calm, as he pulled the little boy down the basement stairs._

"_The basement? But… I thought I wasn't allowed down here…"_

"_No, not the basement, this is the training room." Daniel said darkly. Then once they reached the final step, bent down to Connor's eyelevel and said;_

"_Are you ready train for your purpose, Steven? Ready to be cleansed?"_

_Connor's small body began to shake, he knew wherever this was going, it was going hurt him. Eyes wide Connor stuttered. "F-father, I-I'm afraid…"_

_Daniel didn't like this answer._

_He picked him up, and threw him to the cold cement floor. Connor gave a little whimper as his head banged harshly on the floor, blood trickling out._

"_You must atone Steven! For the sins of your demon father!" Daniel hissed, slowly walking to where the boy lie crying on the floor, his skinny body dwarfed by his too big clothing._

"_Y-yes father." Connor quickly said, terrified of how bad it would be if he didn't._

"_Get up!"_

_Timidly complying, Connor scurried to his feet, his bottom lip trembling, he bit it back into submission. _

"_Your afraid!" Daniel said, coming to a halt in front of Connor. "I will give you something to be afraid of if you don't do as I say!"_

_Connor nodded, his long brown locks covering his eyes as he did. But then he suddenly felt a sharp pain in his leg. Crying out in pain, he fell, gazing down he saw a deep gash in his leg, and a bloodied knife in Daniel's hand._

"_Father?" Connor whimpered. Daniel had never done anything like this before. He beat him on a regular basis, yes. But he never went to the extent of using a weapon._

"_You will answer me when I speak to you." Daniel said with venom._

_Tears spilling out in an endless supply he said; "Y-yes father." His body trembling, he just wanted the pain to stop, but even then he knew that it'd only just begun to hurt._

_And just as he expected, Daniel kicked him hard in the gut, over, and over again. And what terrified Connor more than anything, was the use of the knife that Daniel began to use, cutting lacerations on Connor's five year old body, some tiny, some large, but all of them stung with a fierceness that Connor had never experienced before. His strangled cries grew louder, and more frequent, as he took each and every blow, but no amount of noise mattered, for Daniel had sound proofed the room. _

_Then Daniel did something completely unexpected, taking his fingers and pushing them into each wound, he twisted, he poked, and he prodded, each time receiving a scream of agony from little Connor, who could do nothing, but wait until it was all over, and he could escape to the safest place in the house; his room, but he knew that he wouldn't for a very long time, for the torture was sure to go on for hours…_

* * *

"_Oh my god… _Connor, I'm so, _so_ sorry!" Angel said, fighting back tears.

"It wasn't your fault." Connor whispered, feeling completely, and utterly drained.

"I should have found you sooner! I should have! I'm so sorry! I don't know what I can do to make it better…"

Looking up, Connor saw that his father was crying, his own eyes still moist, he gripped his father in a tight embrace with the jaws of life. "None of it was your fault! It wasn't! I don't blame you, and you aren't allowed to either! You hear me? I didn't tell you these things to hurt you! I told them to you because I can finally except what happened, I can finally move on…" Connor finished, realizing the truth in his own words as he spoke them.

Angel did as well, as he hugged Connor back fiercely, whispering; "I'll try to quit blaming myself, if you are truly ready to move on, and I know that you are…"

Connor nodded, finally ready to talk about a night that haunted him nearly every time he shut his eyes.

"I'm sorry he got to you that night…" Connor said, and he knew that Angel knew exactly what he meant, and what night he was referring to.

"No, Connor, that was my fault. I came home, and I didn't realize he was there. You would think after years of him hunting me down, I would have recognized his scent, but no. I didn't, and I paid for it. The next thing I knew I felt a stinging sensation in my shoulder, I looked down and saw a dart sticking out. It was obviously coated with enough tranquilizers to knock out a horse." Angel said, a twinge of bitterness laced his words.

Silence took a hold of the room, as Connor sat trying to regulate his breathing so he could speak once again.

"_Everything happened so fast…_" Connor finally whispered, staring at the wall with a pained expression on his face. "One minute I was in my room… the next he was there, and I was running away from him…" He trailed off, deep in thought, then shook his head, trying to clear his mind.

"Then I-I saw you lying there… It terrified the hell out of me. I didn't know what was wrong with you… he came down the stairs, and said that he drugged you… He started saying things… What we said to each other is still kinda fuzzy…" Connor inhaled deeply, he never wanted to remember that night, but he knew that the way to forget, was to finally come to terms with it, and except it. _All of it…_

He closed his eyes, letting each disturbing image, after image play out from behind his eyelids. "He pushed the knife through my stomach, and told me not to worry, that I wouldn't die just yet. He had more plans for me first… And I knew… I knew that I-I-I was going to die… I fell over and wrenched the knife from within my gut. I just remember looking down, and seeing all the blood. _There was so very much of it…_"

Tears leaked out from behind his closed eyes as he continued, heart pounding in his ears as he did. "I-I heard you… you sounded so far away… I p-picked up the knife, I remember it felt so sticky in my hand. I had to do it! I just had to! If I didn't he would have killed you! He held the stake just inches above your heart! He was going to drive it through! I Couldn't let him!"

Connor spoke frantically now, as Angel merely rocked him, and held him tighter.

"I went u-up behind h-him, he didn't notice I was there… And I… I… I plunged it through his b-back! I-I pulled it out as he fell to the side… and I buried it in his chest, a-again! And again! And a-again! Until finally he q-quit breathing, and his eyes went blank!" Connor sobbed, completely soaking his father's shirt, as he tried to hide his face.

"It's okay…" Angel said, his own eyes watery as well. "It's not your fault… It's not your fault…" Angel repeated.

"_It is…" _Connor whimpered. "I didn't do it because I was afraid I would die… I did it because I was a-afraid that _you_ would! And I couldn't let that happen!"

"Shh… I know, son, I know… Everything's going to be okay now… I love you… and everything's going to be okay… I _promise…_"

Connor nodded. Although it didn't feel like it would be at the moment. He felt a huge wait lifted off of his shoulders. He could finally breathe with ease. He finally had a place where he belonged, where he was safe, where he was loved… "I love you too." He whispered, voice low, and laced heavily with depth. "And… I think… it will be… okay…"

"It will…"Angel agreed, small smile forming on his lips.

* * *

_Two weeks later._

_

* * *

_

"Dad…"

"Yes?" Angel answered from his place on the round couch.

Biting on his lower lip, Connor sighed. "Tell me about my mom…" It wasn't question, it was a demand. One that he knew his father would easily give into.

"What do you want to know?"

"Everything…" Connor said simply, his blue eyes once again holding they're old spark.

Angel smiled. "Well, you remind me of her sometimes…"

"Really?… like how?"

"When you smile, your eyes light up, just like hers used to… Or when you read you become so entranced with your book that you block out the entire world. And when you want something, well… you certainly know how to get it. Though I used to be that way, I believe you got that particular trait from her." At this Connor's face tinted red, trying to hide beneath his hair he asked;

"Did you love her?…"

Angel paused, not expecting the question. After minutes of silence Connor hurriedly said; "Never mind… I shouldn't have asked you that…"

"No, no!" Angel said, taking in a deep breath he said; "I did… I loved her…" It was the first time Angel had ever admitted those words out loud before, although he admitted them to himself long ago, he was finally able to speak them aloud.

Connor smiled. "That's what I thought." He whispered.

He peered over at his father, it seemed like he was about to say something, but had decided against it. Connor was going to ask what it was, when Spike walked in.

"What's going on in here?" He asked with a quirked eyebrow.

"Nothing, we were just talking…" Connor said, pulling his book back out.

"Ah… So how do you like Edgar Allan Poe, so far?"

Tearing his eyes from the page, Connor grinned. "Eh, well, he's pretty good if your into that whole morbid out look on things."

Spike laughed. "Well, you would be, wouldn't ya then?"

Rolling his eyes Connor said a simple; "I guess."

"Spike," Angel said. "Where've you been?"

"Oh, I've just been running about the bars, you know, the usual…"

Angel gave Spike a look of disapproval, to which the blonde merely shrugged off.

"Well, what have you been doing today? Buying more of that nancy boy hair gel?"

Connor tried to fight back a snicker, as he waited for Angel's reply.

"I do more in a day Spike, then you do in an entire year."

"Oh, is that so?"

"Yes it is so. And another thing…"

Connor shook his head, blocking out the immature bickering of the two vampires. He smiled. He seemed to be doing that more lately. Although they could be annoying, he loved his family.

Things had been getting better. Ever since he told Angel all about his childhood, his spirit felt lighter, he felt… at peace... he knew that he had finally found his equilibrium. And now that Daniel was truly gone, he didn't have to worry about him taking it all away from him. Because he couldn't. He no longer had any control over Connor, not in life, and not in death. And although everyone said that he should hate Daniel, he just couldn't… He forgave him. He truly did. He had to. Not for Daniel, but for himself. He saw what hate did to that man, and he couldn't bear to be that way…

He never wanted to house such rage, such emptiness… And he wouldn't. He knew it in his heart.

Connor sighed. They were still fighting. He honestly didn't know what they would do without him. _They'd probably kill each other…_

"What?" Connor suddenly asked, hearing Spike address him.

"Who do you think would win in a fight, the Geico Gecko, or the Energizer Bunny?" Spike said in such a serious tone, that Connor couldn't help but to burst out in a frantic fit of laughter.

"What!" Spike demanded, sounding slightly offended.

Wiping away tears from his eyes, Connor tried to calm his laughter.

"N-nothing!" He gasped out, failing miserably.

Yes. His dad was right. Everything was going to be okay. It was going to be more than okay. Even though he knew his heart would still ache over the past, he could now live with it. He could live with everything. And he could finally be _happy…_

**

* * *

**

**A/N: So… How was the ending? I'm not 100% satisfied with it, but… I think it's okay (?) I hope everyone liked it. Now I just have to work on the second chapter to Humanoid. Also… I don't know if you were wondering if Connor was like molested by Daniel, but no… It made me far too sad to have that happen… Plus, I don't think Daniel would be the type to do that, ya know? He's insane, yes. But I don't view him as a pedophile. And sorry if you don't like happy endings, but it's hard for me not to make it one when Connor is just such a sad character to work with, you just wanna make him happy!**


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